सेक्सुअल रिश्ते में खोखलापन क्यों ?

#sexuality_notes_by_Anupama  - 3

मैंने और एक लड़के ने आपसी सहमती से शारीरिक संबंध बनाए। कुछ महीनों से हमारा ये रिलेशन, जोकि सिर्फ शारिरिक संतुष्टि के लिए है, सही चल रहा है। हम एक दूसरे के साथ काफी कम्फर्ट महसूस करते हैं। पर मेरी दुविधा ये है कि मैं जब भी उस से मिलकर आती हुं, बहुत खालीपन महसूस करती हुं। मैंने जीवन के उस मोड़ पर ये संबंध बनाया जब मुझे प्रेम की बहुत ज़रूरत महसूस हो रही थी। जब से उसके साथ हूं तब से मुझे और ज्यादा खालीपन लग रहा और इमोशनल सपोर्ट की ज़रूरत महसूस हो रही है। लेकिन उसका साथ मुझे पसंद है, मैं कुछ ही वक्त के लिए सही पर प्रेम महसूस कर पाती हूं उसकी वजह से।
अपनी राय दें।

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मेरी दोस्त, आपके प्रश्न से इतना समझ पायी कि आप महिला हैं | शायद सिंगल भी हैं | आपकी दुविधा समझ सकती हूँ | इस स्थिति को देखने के कई पहलू हैं, अतः मेरा उत्तर थोड़ा लम्बा हो सकता है | अगर संभव हो तो थोड़े धैर्य के साथ पढें :)

मेरी राय तो नहीं कहूँगी, लेकिन मेरा दृष्टिकोण इस स्थिति के बारे में जैसा है, वो बता रही हूँ | यदि उसमें से आपके कुछ और सवाल हों, तो फॉर्म में फिर से लिख सकती हैं |

प्रेम और सेक्स दो अलग अलग बातें हैं | प्रेम कई प्रकार का होता है, उनमें से प्रेम का एक प्रकार रोमांटिक या सेक्सुअल अट्रैक्शन भी है | इसलिए सबसे पहले अपने आप के साथ कुछ देर बैठ कर ये देखें कि आपने जब ये रिश्ता शुरू किया, तब भावनात्मक प्रेम की चाह थी, या यौन तृप्ति की? यदि इस रिश्ते से आपकी उम्मीद सिर्फ शारीरिक सुख की थी, और यदि वह सुख आप दोनों सहमति से, आनंदपूर्वक एक दूसरे से प्राप्त कर रहे हैं, तो फिर ये जो खालीपन आपको महसूस हो रहा है, ये कहाँ से आ रहा है इसे देखें | क्या ये खालीपन हमारी कंडीशनिंग  का हिस्सा तो नहीं ?

अक्सर हमारे आस पास लोग ऐसा दिखाते हैं कि उनकी रिलेशनशिप्स बहुत खुश हैं, वो बहुत प्रेम में हैं, वो बहुत सेक्सुअली संतुष्ट हैं | लेकिन ये इसलिए क्योंकि हमें लगता है, हम जैसे ही कहेंगे कि हमें संतुष्टि नहीं मिली, हमें जज किया जायेगा | हमें बुरी लड़की, या आवारा लड़के का तमगा मिल जायेगा | अब क्योंकि हम अपने आसपास हमेशा ये ही देखते हैं, तो हम अपने आप से, और अपने पार्टनर से भी ऐसी ही ऊंरेअलिस्टिक संतुष्टि की उम्मीद भी लगा बैठते हैं |

कभी कभी, इसके उलट ये भी होता है, कि किसी रिश्ते की शुरुआत तो होती है एक दृष्टिकोण के साथ, लेकिन समय के साथ साथ, एक या दोनों व्यक्ति की भावनाएं, ज़रूरतें बदल जाती हैं | कई बार हम अपने साथी को ये बताते ही नहीं | इसके पीछे कई कारण हो सकते हैं, झिझक, 'कहीं मेरे हाथ से ये भी न चला जाये' का डर, 'लेकिन हमने यहाँ से शुरू नहीं किया था, अब बोलेंगे तो साथी क्या समझेंगे?' का जजमेंट आदि | लेकिन बिना बताये तो कभी पता भी नहीं चलेगा कि सामने वाला इस बारे में क्या सोचता है? इसलिए संवाद से डर लगने के बाद भी संवाद ज़रूरी है ! ये संभव है कि आपने जो रिश्ता बिना उम्मीदों के शुरू किया, उससे अब आपकी ज़रूरतें बदल रही हों | ये भी संभव है कि आपके साथी को भी ऐसा लग रहा हो | ऐसे में बात करें ताकि सही स्थिति की पूरी समझ विकसित हो पाए |

इस स्थिति को देखने का एक और पहलू भी है | वो है Rebound और New Relationship Energy | जैसा आपने कहा - इस रिश्ते की शुरुआत एक ऐसे समय में हुयी, जब आपको प्रेम की बहुत आवश्यकता महसूस हो रही थी | कभी कभी, हम एक रिश्ते में से जब बाहर आते हैं, तो बहुत टूटे हुए होते हैं | ऐसे में किसी भी नए रिश्ते की शुरुआत, कुछ दिन, कुछ हफ़्तों, कुछ महीनों तक तो सुकून दे सकती है | लेकिन ऐसे किसी भी रिश्ते की नींव आम तौर पर कच्ची होती है, और बिना सुदृढ़ नींव के रिश्तों में एक समय के बाद खोखलापन मासूस होना लाज़िमी है | ऐसा नहीं है कि ये खोखलापन ठहराव वाले, लॉन्गटर्म रिश्तों में  आ सकता | लेकिन बिना पिछले रिश्ते को प्रोसेस किये, जब नए रिश्ते बनाये जाते हैं, तो ऐसा खालीपन देखने को ज़्यादा मिलता है | बहुत बार ऐसे में हम एक के बाद एक शार्ट टर्म अफेयर्स करते जाते हैं | इसमें नैतिक रूप से कुछ गलत नहीं है, लेकिन, यह रिलेशनशिप की ज़रुरत पूरी नहीं करता | ऐसे में कई बार यह भाव भी घर कर सकता है मन में, कि शायद मैं किसी रिलेशनशिप के लायक ही नहीं हूँ | जबकि इनमें से कुछ भी सच नहीं होता |

हर रिश्ते की एक New Relationship Energy या यूं समझ लें कि एक हनीमून पीरियड भी होता है | ये वो समय है जब रिश्ता नया है, समस्याएं कम और सब कुछ सुन्दर ही सुन्दर नज़र आता है | New Relationship Energy या NRE  का इस बात से कोई सम्बन्ध नहीं, कि आपका रिश्ता शारीरिक भर है, या भावनात्मक, बौद्धिक, सामाजिक आदि भी है | तो आपसे मुझे ये कहना है, कि आपको खालीपन या खोखलापन महसूस होने के पीछे एक कारण ये भी हो सकता है, कि कुछ महीने बीतने के बाद ये NRE आपकी रिलेशनशिप से ख़त्म हो रही हो |

इन सब बातों के बारे में आराम से सोच कर देखें | बिलकुल संभव है कि आपको शायद इस दुविधा के पीछे और कोई वजह भी नज़र आये | जहाँ तक इसके समाधान का सम्बन्ध है, आप जो भी समझेंगी, वो आपको आज या कल, जल्द या देर से, अपने साथी को तो बताना चाहिए, ऐसा मेरी समझ कहती है | उसके बाद उन्हें सोचने का मौका दे कर, उनके विचार जान कर, आप दोनों इस रिश्ते को कैसे, कितना, कब तक आगे बढ़ाना, ये बेहतर तय कर पाएंगे |

उम्मीद है, कुछ समाधान मिला होगा आपको :)

डिस्क्लेमर - मेरी वॉल पर सेक्स और सेक्सुअलिटी के सम्बन्ध में बात इसलिए की जाती है कि पूर्वाग्रहों, कुंठाओं से बाहर आ कर, इस विषय पर संवाद स्थापित किया जा सके, और एक स्वस्थ समाज का विकास किया जा सके | यहाँ किसी की भावनाएं भड़काने, किसी को चोट पहुँचाने, या किसी को क्या करना चाहिए ये बताने का प्रयास हरगिज़ नहीं किया जाता | ऐसे ही, कृपया ये प्रयास मेरे साथ न करें | प्रश्न पूछना चाहें, तो वॉल पर पूछें, या फिर पहले कमेंट में गूगल फॉर्म है, वहां पूछ सकते हैं | इन पोस्ट्स को इनबॉक्स में आने का न्योता न समझें |

©Anupama Garg 2021

गूगल फॉर्म - https://forms.gle/9h6SKgQcuyzq1tQy6

क्या भावनात्मक रूप से एक हुए बिना / आत्मिक प्रेम बनाये बिना / बिना इमोशंस के / सेक्स संतुष्टि प्रदान कर सकता है?

#sexuality_notes_by_Anupama

क्या भावनात्मक रूप से एक हुये बिना सेक्स संतुष्टि प्रदान कर सकता है । दूसरे शब्दों में क्या आत्मिक प्रेम स्थापित हुये बिना मात्र शारीरिक स्तर पर किया गया मैथुन मन को तृप्त कर पाता है? यदि शारीरिक स्तर पर किया गया सेक्स और प्रेम में किये गये सेक्स समान रूप से संतुष्टि दायक हैं तो फिर अन्य अनेक लोगों को मैं देखता हूं कि वे किसी के साथ सारीरिक रूप से मैथुन करने के बाद पुनः शीघ्र ही अपनी संतुष्टि किसी अन्य पुरुष या स्त्री में खोजने लगते हैं, ऐसा क्यों है कि शारीरिक क्षुधा शांत होने पर भी मन अतृप्त रहता है ?

जी मैम, मैं इस संदर्भ में बहुत हद तक अनभिज्ञ हूं इसलिए यह प्रश्न अक्सर मेरे सामने आता है । इस संदर्भ में मेरा ग्यान ज्यादातर किताबी ही है, इसलिए प्रश्न में तनिक भ्रम सा दिखाई पड़ सकता है इसलिए क्षमा करें । भैरप्पा बहुत दृढ़ता से सम्भोग और मैथुन (sex) और सम्भोग को अलग अलग परिभाषित करता है |  वात्स्यायन भी इसमें अंतर करता है । जबकि अंग्रेजी में इसके लिये कोई अलग शब्द ही नहीं है । उपरवास से सम्भोग की प्रक्रिया तक स्त्री और पुरुष का पहुंचना क्या वस्तुतः मैथुन ही है और अगर ऐसा है तो परिणाम में सामान्यतः अंतर क्यों दिखाई देता है । क्यों एक पुरुष सुखी दामपत्य जीते हुये भी अपनी तृप्ति महसूस नहीं कर पाता और क्यों किसी को एक सामान्य चुम्बन भी तृप्ति का बोध करा देता है ?

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इसका कोई सीधा जवाब नहीं है | सेक्स व्यक्तिगत होता है | कई लोग हैं, जिन्हें बिना बौद्धिक उत्तेजना के बगैर किया सेक्स संतुष्टि नहीं देता | ऐसे लोगों को Sapiosexual कहा जाता है | वहीँ दूसरी तरफ ऐसे लोग भी हैं, जिन्हें प्रेम में ही उत्तेजना, और प्रेमी के साथ किये सेक्स से ही आनंद की प्राप्ति होती है | ऐसे लोगों को Demisexual कहा जाता है | लेकिन वहीँ Asexual लोग भी हैं, जिन्हें सेक्सुअल उत्तेजना नहीं होती | उन्हें लोगों से प्रेम होता है, वे लोगों से शारीरिक, भावनात्मक सम्बन्ध बना सकते हैं, वे लोगों के गले लग सकते हैं, उन्हें बाहों में भी भर सकते हैं, उन्हें रोमांटिक स्पर्श की इच्छा भी हो सकती है, लेकिन सेक्स या जिसे आप मैथुन या सम्भोग कह रहे हैं, उसकी इच्छा नहीं होती |

ठीक इसी तरह ऐसे लोग भी हैं, जो सेक्स को सिर्फ शारीरिक आवश्यकता की तरह देखते हैं, उसे पूरा भी करते हैं, और उन्हें इसके लिए emotions या commitment या spiritual सम्बन्ध की आवश्यकता नहीं होती | इसका व्यक्ति के जेंडर से कोई सम्बन्ध नहीं है | महिलाएं या पुरुष कोई भी ऐसा हो सकता है | सेक्स को सिर्फ शारीरिक आवश्यकता की तरह देखने वाले लोग इसे पूरा भी करें, ये कोई ज़रूरी नहीं है | इसका मतलब ये भी नहीं, कि वे अपने सेक्सुअल साथी / साथियों के प्रति सम्मान नहीं रखते | ये भी ज़रूरी नहीं, कि बहुत से लोग ये समझते भी हों कि सेक्स उनके लिए मात्रा एक शारीरिक आवश्यकता है | विशेष तौर पर इसलिए क्योंकि सेक्स के बारे में हमारी समझ अधिकतर कंडीशनिंग, सामाजिक और नैतिक मूल्यों, दंड विधान आदि से विकसित होती है |

कई समाजों में (जैसे हमारे अपने समाज को ही उदाहरण के तौर पर देखें, या जैसे और भी बहुत से साउथ एशियाई देशों में सेक्स को ले कर बहुत कुंठा है), सेक्स की बात करने या, सेक्स की इच्छा दर्शाने पर, या सेक्स कर लेने पर भी, लोगों की सामाजिक, नैतिक प्रताड़ना की जाती है | ऐसे में लोग अक्सर ये दिखाने की कोशिश करते हैं, कि उन्हें अपने साथी से प्रेम भी है | ऐसे समाज में अक्सर, सेक्स की बातें, सेक्स की प्रक्रिया, और सेक्स का अनुभव, सभी बहुत ढोंग और कुंठाओं से भर जाता है |

वहीँ दूसरी ओर, जिन समाजों में सेक्सुअलिटी का सम्यक अध्ययन किया जा रहा है वहां सेक्सुअलिटी के बारे में नए तथ्य सामने आ रहे हैं | जहाँ अपनी सेक्सुअल डिजायर बताने पर पाबन्दी नहीं है, जहाँ सेक्सुअल भिन्नता के लिए दंड का प्रावधान नहीं है, वहां लोग ठीक से और सवालों के साथ, इस सवाल का भी जवाब दे पा रहे हैं | ये एक अलग बात है, कि धीरे धीरे वक़्त बदल रहा है, और जैसे जैसे समाज में लोगों के अनुभव बदलेंगे, वैसे ही धीरे धीरे शायद समाज की सेक्स, संतुष्टि, और आनंद को ले कर अवधारणाएं भी |

मेरे व्यक्तिगत अनुभव में, हमने सदियों से इस बारे में बात ही न कर के इस विषय को बेवजह ज़रुरत से ज़्यादा उलझन भरा बना दिया है | सेक्स अनुभव और संवाद का विषय ज़्यादा है, अध्ययन का कम | इसलिए हमारे प्रश्न यदि इस बात पर ज़्यादा ध्यान दें कि हम स्वयं, और अपने साथी को कैसे आनंद पहुंचा सकते हैं, तो हम पाएंगे कि हमारे सम्बन्ध कहीं बेहतर होंगे, बजाय इसके कि कामसूत्र में कितनी मुद्राएं हैं, या भैरप्पा सम्भोग व मैथुन के लिए अलग अलग term  उसे करते हैं या नहीं | वैसे सन्दर्भ में बताती चलूँ, कि अंग्रेज़ी में सेक्स शब्द को बहुत आराम से इस्तेमाल किया जाता है, मैथुन के लिए शब्द 'coitus' है, लेकिन वहां लोगों से ये उम्मीदें नहीं की जातीं कि वे जब तक शुद्ध भाषा में बात न कर सकें, तब तक उनके प्रश्न, उनके उत्तर, या उनके अनुभवजन्य विचार मान्य नहीं होंगे |

खैर विषय से इतर गए बिना, मूल प्रश्न पर लौटते हुए - सेक्स एक व्यक्तिगत अनुभव है, इसलिए कुछ लोगों को भावनात्मक रिश्ते के बिना संतुष्टि नहीं मिलती, कुछ लोगों को मिलती है | हाँ सहमति ज़रूरी है | भारतीय विधि के प्रावधान के अनुसार सहमति देने का विषय अपने आप में काफी विशद है, इसलिए वो किसी और दिन |

डिस्क्लेमर - मेरी वॉल पर सेक्स और सेक्सुअलिटी के सम्बन्ध में बात इसलिए की जाती है कि पूर्वाग्रहों, कुंठाओं से बाहर आ कर, इस विषय पर संवाद स्थापित किया जा सके, और एक स्वस्थ समाज का विकास किया जा सके | यहाँ किसी की भावनाएं भड़काने, किसी को चोट पहुँचाने, या किसी को क्या करना चाहिए ये बताने का प्रयास हरगिज़ नहीं किया जाता | ऐसे ही, कृपया ये प्रयास मेरे साथ न करें | प्रश्न पूछना चाहें, तो वॉल पर पूछें, या फिर पहले कमेंट में गूगल फॉर्म है, वहां पूछ सकते हैं | इन पोस्ट्स को इनबॉक्स में आने का न्योता न समझें |

©Anupama Garg 2021

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Questions about Sexuality

#sexuality_notes_by_Anupama

आज एक कॉलेज सीनियर ने फ़ोन किया | 18 - 19 साल का बच्चा है उनका | जब मैं मास्टर्स के एक्साम्स देने गयी थी, तब ये भी बच्चे को घर छोड़ कर आती थीं प्राइवेट एक्साम्स देने | हम दोनों अलग अलग सब्जेक्ट्स में थे, और ये शादी के कई सालों बाद दोबारा पढाई शुरू कर रही थीं | पति के साथ रिलेशनशिप बिलकुल उतनी ही टॉक्सिक और अब्यूसिव है, जितनी आम हिंदुस्तानी घरों में होती है | लेकिन बच्चे को इन्होंने बहुत खुले मन से पाला | 

 

बच्चा बड़े शहर की एक यूनिवर्सिटी में पढ़ने जब गया पहली बार, तो इन्होने अपनी ज़िम्मेदारी समझते हुए, उसे सेफ सेक्स, प्रोटेक्शन, वगैरह भी समझाया | बच्चा वहां bumble tinder वगैरह चलाया, और hookup कर के आया |

अभी छुट्टियों में घर लौटा और बाप ने condoms देख लिए बच्चे के सामान में | उधर हमारी सीनियर को बच्चे ने खुले मन से बताया कि वो कैसे अपनी एक सीनियर विजिटिंग स्टूडेंट के साथ मिला डेटिंग एप्प पे, और उसने कैसे इंटिमेसी एक्स्प्लोर की | 'We enjoyed ourselves mumma without commitments, without baggage, and with safety. Maybe we will do it again'. 

 

 

मेरी दोस्त के चेहरे पर कुछ भाव आये, कुछ गए | बच्चे ने देखे, और बोला "Sorry mamma, I upset you " दोस्त ने बच्चे से कहा कि वो अपसेट नहीं हैं लेकिन मुझसे बात करते समय वो चिंतित थीं | उनके शब्द थे - "अनुपमा वो distract हो जायेगा पढ़ाई से | क्या मैंने उसे मेंटली prepare करने में कोई गलती कर दी? मैं डिस्कस किस से करूं ?"

 

मुझे लेकिन सिर्फ़ ये एक ही सवाल नहीं दिखा यहाँ | मुझे कई सवाल सुनाई दिए - कहे अनकहे | एक सवाल - क्या मेरी परवरिश में कमी रह गयी ? क्या मैं अच्छी माँ नहीं हूँ ? क्या मेरा बेटा बिगड़ रहा है ? क्या मेरा बेटा भटक जायेगा ?

 

खैर मेरी दोस्त और मेरा संवाद अधूरा रह गया, कि कोई आ गया दरवाज़े पर | वैसे भी हम दोनों तो करते ही रहेंगे अपना followup फ़ोन कॉल, लेकिन मेरा दिमाग कई पुराने संवादों की तरफ गया |

 

बहुत से संवाद हैं जो अलग अलग वक़्त पर, अलग अलग लोगों के साथ किये हैं मैंने, सेक्स, जेंडर, सेक्सुअलिटी के बारे में | और हर संवाद सिरे से शुरू करना पड़ा है | हर संवाद में यही निकल के आता है कि इस बारे में बात करने की ज़रुरत है, लेकिन टैबू है | और जितनी बार बात करो, सवाल फिर वही, तुमको ये ही बात क्यों करना है ? और भी तो इतना कुछ है बात करने के लिए? लिखने के लिए ! 

 

दुनिया कहाँ जा रही, और हम अभी गुड टच, बैड टच, कंसेंट में ही उलझे हैं, orgasm पर कब पहुंचेंगे? बात करते हैं तो या तो संस्कृतनिष्ठ हिंदी में जिसका रोज़मर्रा की बोलचाल से कोई लेना देना नहीं, या फिर स्लैंग में, जिसको सुन के ही उबकाई आ जाये | शीघ्रपतन, स्वप्नदोष, बचपन की गलतियों के बोर्ड पढ़ लीजिये, किसी नए शहर में घुसते ही | ऑटो वाले को बदनाम गलियाँ ज़रूर पता होंगी, बाकी कुछ पता हो न हो | यहाँ तक कि एक बार मैं एक जाने माने सेक्सोलॉजिस्ट को इंटरव्यू करने गयी, और उनके चैम्बर के बाहर बैठे हुए मैंने सुना कि वो किसी मरीज़ से कह रहे थे 'तुझे घोड़ा बना दूंगा, चिंता मत कर |'

 

"मैडम आप लेस्बियन हैं क्या? वरना आप को सेक्सुअलिटी की स्टडी क्यों करनी है? आप डॉक्टर थोड़े ही हैं ? "

मेरा मन किया पूछूँ, "आप तो डॉक्टर हैं न? गे भी नहीं हैं, फिर उस बेचारे भले पेशेंट को घोड़ा क्यों बनाना चाहते थे?" 

 

मैं बिना इंटरव्यू लिए, शुक्रिया बोल कर चली आयी वहां से, लेकिन मैं आज भी देखती हूँ लोगों को सवालों के साथ घूमते हुए, और कचरा सीखते हुए, एंग्जायटी से डील करते हुए, रिश्तों को दरकते हुए, अनाप शनाप पैसा खर्चते हुए |

 

पिछले साल इसीलिए Pooja Priyamvada और मैंने 3 फेसबुक लाइव किये थे कुछ सवालों पर | कुछ Talks मैंने अकेले भी दी थीं | नए साल में मैं कुछ पोस्ट्स लिखना चाहती हूँ इस सम्बन्ध में | एक किताब शुरू की थी, लिखी भी, और फिर किसी कारणवश वो अटक गयी | इस साल वो भी पूरी की जाये, ऐसा इरादा है | 

 

तब तक, सेक्सुअलिटी, और सेक्स से सम्बंधित, प्रश्न आमंत्रित हैं | बस दो बातें -

1. कृपया सिर्फ सवाल पूछें, मुझे इस विषय पर क्यों नहीं लिखना चाहिए का ज्ञान न दें |

2. इनबॉक्स में घुसने का निमंत्रण न समझें इसे, और सवाल पूछने को, अपनी फैंटसीज शेयर करने का बहाना न समझें |

सेक्सुअल अवेयरनेस परिपक्वता में नज़र आती है, अश्लीलता में नहीं | कुछ दिनों में गूगल फॉर्म बना दूँगी, ताकि जो लोग बिना नाम बताये पूछना चाहें, पूछ सकें |

डिस्क्लेमर - मेरी वॉल पर सेक्स और सेक्सुअलिटी के सम्बन्ध में बात इसलिए की जाती है कि पूर्वाग्रहों, कुंठाओं से बाहर आ कर, इस विषय पर संवाद स्थापित किया जा सके, और एक स्वस्थ समाज का विकास किया जा सके | यहाँ किसी की भावनाएं भड़काने, किसी को चोट पहुँचाने, या किसी को क्या करना चाहिए ये बताने का प्रयास हरगिज़ नहीं किया जाता | ऐसे ही, कृपया ये प्रयास मेरे साथ न करें | प्रश्न पूछना चाहें, तो वॉल पर पूछें, या फिर पहले कमेंट में गूगल फॉर्म है, वहां पूछ सकते हैं | इन पोस्ट्स को इनबॉक्स में आने का न्योता न समझें |

 

©Anupama Garg 2021

To Kill a Mockingbird - Book Review

Just because I wanted to write this, here comes nothing.

Set in 1930s in Maycomb county, Alabama, a 6-year-old gives you an insight into law, racism, gender dynamics, marriages, rape, religion, mental health, friendships, joy, solidarity, grief, communities, and everything else that you can imagine as a subject for discourse even today.

One of the things that I simply loved about the book is that there is only ONE single character that has been portrayed as entirely evil. And honestly, Atticus, with his usual subjective analysis has been able to identify as a victim-turned-perpetrator.

No other character is black only, or white only. They are all people with both the good and the bad wolves within them. They are a small community of people with areas of life that need a lot of work, and also with areas that are perfect as they are. A community that runs to extinguish an old spinster's house, and rebuild it, and yet a community that shuns away those they call trash.

Another adorable thing about this piece of fiction is the way Atticus addresses every single question his children ask. Sure, Atticus is a very textbook ideal father, but he does have a lot of similarities with my own. No wonder Scout puts him on a pedestal like I did mine for decades.

No wonder it took Scout Finch a long time (all the way in the second book) to see that he is a human with his shortcomings too. No wonder it took me a decade too to know that my own Atticus in my life is a human and has his own limitations too. 

Similarly, Calpurnia is a perfect example of a decent person, and Dr. Finch a perfect gentleman despite his quirks and his eccentric habits. However, the sensitivity that Boo Radley demonstrates is something else altogether. How child-like simplicity can reach the heart of a man who has been shunned away, been left alone fot decades! How also, the same simplicity can shock and brings back to senses, a horde of men intent on violence and murder!

And then the book made me think of what Atticus does when it comes to fighting the case for a falsely accused Negro. The willingness to sacrifice his life in trying to save that of Tom Robinson, reminds me of the willingness of Elijah Michaelson to sacrifice his for Niklaus in the series Originals. His fear for the life of his children, the same as Niklaus' for his daughter Hope.

I read the book every single time and I am reminded of the aggression the oppressed face even within their communities. Calpurnia facing the anger of others in the Negro community for instance. For the fact that she is educated, can read, can speak 'proper' English. I love how she responds to that aggression, and how she explains it to Jem and Scout when they ask.

While it may be set in date, I love this book to pieces, and often wonder what would the world like be if it had more of Miss Maudies and Atticus Finches. I wonder what the world would be like if we had more children brought up like Jem Finch and Scout Finch.

I feel this sense of nostalgia with my own childhood, and yet feel bereft of something in there. Something that I only see missing in hindsight, even though that something isn't the highlight of everything that I missed while growing up.

To everyone, who has read the book and loved it, yay to the tribe! To those who read it and didn't love it, or like it, I'll love to hear your thoughts on this piece of text. To all those who haven't read it, you might be missing a really good book. See, if you'd like to read it. To those of you who want their children to read REALLY meaningful stuff, this might be a great pick.

On that note, here's a quote from Atticus Finch that has formed the basis of all my struggle subconsciously, ever since I read it... “This time we aren’t fighting the Yankees, we’re fighting our friends. But remember this, no matter how bitter things get, they’re still our friends and this is still our home.”

© Anupama 2021

The House of Secrets - A review of my journey within

Trigger Warning - Discussion about mass suicide, collective psychosis, shared psychosis, mental health, and much more. This is going to be a VERY long post.

Last 3 hours were an entire journey in my entire understanding of so many things. I finally saw the House of Secrets. For all my maturity, my sensibility, my experiential acceptance of mental health challenges, I'm shaken. And, terribly so.

I started from a simple curiosity, went to a state where I wanted to throw up what I was eating, then moved into a voyeuristic inability to stop watching, simply because it was so bizzare.

I went into shock and disbelief about what happened. It felt easier to just shut this down, and not watch, and yet there was no sense of closure in not watching it till the end.

I questioned my own beliefs about faith and delusion once more, I was relieved this wasn't about me or anyone I know, or anyone close to me.

I thanked my education from my explorations into sexuality and BDSM, my understanding of consent, my support systems that encourage everyone to speak up, my ability and my sheer luck!

I felt sad about the fact that most people cannot even cry, including the men on the show, that there is no normalization of these conversations, that there is no way to avail much needed mental health facilities, and 50 thousand other social issues.

But most of it, I was apalled and saddened (even though not shocked) by two things. 1. Don't talk about 'this' to anyone (what that 'this' is, varies from people to people). 2. The inability to question anything rationally, which erases that fine line between faith and delusion.

It seemed callous to feel relief that this wasn't anyone I know even remotely. It felt spiritually totally disconnected from everything I have been raised on, everything I have evolved into. It felt like such a solid hit on my energy levels. I am exhausted.

To anyone and everyone reading this, I just want to say this...

Please TALK! About everything and anything under the sun. These conversations are unsettling, they are VERY unnerving, but they might be the only thing standing between life and death for someone.

Anupama Garg 23.10.2021

Dare not clip my wings

'Don't be gendered!'

'Not All n3m!'

'I'm a humanist, not a feminist.'

'You're turning into a Feminazi.'

'I was just kidding.'

How about - Don't tell me what to think, how to feel, how to act, unless I invite your entitled and intrusive opinion?

How about - Do not tell me who to be, unless my existence is 'harming' you, yours, or other humans?

How about - Leave my space if you do not like the sheer amount of self-work I put in to reach a point where I can speak my boundaries clearly?

How about - Do not assume my consent, just because I am nice?

How about - keep your labels to yourself and shove them up where they belong!

No, you were not kidding. Let me explain to you. Won3m have been conditioned for centuries, and ever since in living memory, to play it small. to behave like docile little doves, like mothers, like 'easy', like prudes, like uptights, like sluts. 100s of lables - moody, tantrum-throwing, drama queen, husband-beater, and what not have been attached to them. What you (n3m) actually have been using these lables is for clipping our wings, and justifying your juvenile behaviour.

You weren't called out for so many years, decades, generations. Today you're being called out, and you don't like it. I understand it, but you really need to take it gracefully. Not because there's a vendetta, but because I will be who I will be, not necessarily in sync with who YOU want me to be.

The thing is, my deal n3mfolk, is simple.

1. I tell you not to respond to me a certain way, you stop!

2. I tell you not to hug me a certain way, you stop.

3. I tell you I want to sleep in my bed, and not share yours, you fucking listen!

Nope! No don't speak that stuff about - oh but a relationship is supposed to be both ways. Maybe. You state your needs. I state mine. If they are compatible we proceed, if I tell you a 'no' don't negotiate. OK? If you're that sort of a man, I might consider your consent just as equal as that of mine.

On the contrary, don't treat me like a little dove, who is getting detatched from this world too much too soon. If I am doing so, it's my prerogative, it's my right.

Do not manspread. Just because I share my number with you, doesn't mean I want to talk to you randomly. Just because I say a gentle 'I love you' to you, I do not want you to 'manspread into my bedroom, or in my physical space, I do not want you to crawl into my inbox. Just because I invite you over for the lunch, doesn't mean I want you to invite you to hook up with me.

Won3m, do not let them convince you, argue with you, debate with you. You do not have to get into debates about your choices as long as you're not harming them. You do not have to live by their standards. Tell them 'no' as much as you feel like. You do not have to listen to their understanding of your heart, or your mind. You have to listen to YOUR understanding of it.

You do not have to clip your wings just because it's convenient (you might still do so). You do not have to tell other won3m, that it is not right to feel like you want to spend your life by yourself. You do not have to tell other won3m that they shouldn't feel sad. You do not have to set a pity party. Do not victimize other won3m, do not victim shame them, but do not pity them either please. 

 

 

At least not with me.

I will not allow anyone to clip my wings, to convince me how I should conduct my personal life or my business (specially when I do not intrude their boundaries, when I do not harm them or their loved ones or even others in general, when I do not bully anyone). However, you intrude my space once! Just once, I have had it. I will pour fire, rain acid, and lash my tongue at you with so much caustic, that you won't even know what hit you.

Get it? Good. Don't get it? Good anyway!

 

#चेतो_दर्पण_मार्जनम्_अनुपमा - Musings Post  10 - 10.07.2021 

July 2021 - Post 9 - प्रेम होगा तो क्या होगा

पहले तो समझ लो कि अधिकतर प्रेम होगा ही नहीं। कुछ देखोगे तुम कुछ लोगों के बीच घटते हुए।  उसे प्रेम समझोगे।  फिर चाहोगे कि  तुम्हारे साथ भी घटित हो  वो। जब नहीं घटित होगा तो तुम उसके पीछे पीछे दौड़ोगे।  लेकिन वो तो रेस है, वो प्रेम कहाँ है?  तुमसे प्रेम करने के लिए तुम्ह पर बंदिशें लगायी जाएँगी, तुम्हें लालच दिया जायेगा, तुम्हें बदलने को कहा जायेगा।  तुम सब करोगे।  लेकिन ये तो शर्तिया व्यापार है, प्रेम कहाँ है? तुम प्रेम करोगे बिना लाग लपेट के, तो तुम्हें बेवकूफ या झूठा समझा, दिखाया, और महसूस करवाया जायेगा।  और क्योंकि तुम प्रेम चाहते हो बदले में, तो तुम उनकी राय खुद पर हावी भी होने दोगे।  बदले में तुम्हें जो मिलेगा, वो तो विनिमय है, वो प्रेम कहाँ है? एक बात ज़रूर होगी।  तुम, जो कि प्रेम करने और पाने निकले थे, स्वयं से ज़रूर प्रेम करना बंद कर दोगे, कि अब तुम बदल गए होंगे।  सो, प्रेम मिला भी नहीं, और  तुमने खो जाने भी दिया।  ये तो प्रेम नहीं है।  तो फिर, जब वाकई प्रेम होगा तब क्या होगा ?

 

#चेतो_दर्पण_मार्जनम्_अनुपमा - Musings Post  9 - 09.07.2021

July 2021 - Post 8 - Giving without losing yourself - 2

Continuing with a lot of difficulty from yesterday, the second part of the subject statement was 'without losing yourself'. This one is the tricky part. Like I shared above, I considered boundaries. However, I also considered about the question of - what really is the 'self'? So, when we say we do not want to lose ourselves, what is it that we do not want to lose - The body, the Mind, the Possessions, my personality, the traits in me which I embrace, or those in me which I run away from.

What of the times when I want to give someone something, but I do not like them otherwise? So, I find it equally disturbing to not give to them. Should I at such times, give, or not give? Would I be then losing myself, or not?

What would it mean to lose myself really?

I don't think there is anything like losing yourself really. In truth one is always lost. In the imagination of what is it like to 'give'. But, if one does indeed find oneself, then one cannot give anymore. One doesn't become either. Then one simply is. If you just are, and if the so-called receiver just is, where is the boundary, where is the losing, or the holding back really?

OK, I can't keep up with this thought anymore, so I will revisit it at some point perhaps. Till then thanks for the topic suggestion Elizabeth. It brought about some much needed inwards journey that has triggered a lot of other thoughts. On that note, till the next time.

#चेतो_दर्पण_मार्जनम्_अनुपमा - Musings Post  8 - 08.07.2021

July 2021 - Post 7 - Giving without losing yourself - 1

I am avoiding. I am running away. Not just from myself, but from everyone else and everything else as well. I am cranky, I want to eat, drink, be merry, not have a worry in the world. I am torn apart by the knowledge that I know these indulgences aren't really my thing either. They worry me, never because of health reasons, but because the restlessness that got me to talk to Swami Shyama Chaitanya Ji, is now changing shape.

The anger, is now turning to tiredness, and then lack of resolve, and then desparation. Loneliness gnaws me when I try to quietly sit and watch. My watching happens through this journal. The moment I watch deeply enough, I start feeling tired. My body starts fidgeting, and I want to run away. Till yesterday I was calling it intellectual withdrawl. Today, I am calling it the writers' block.

As a result, I went to FB today and asked for writing ideas. While some good ones came up, one stood out. Chaitanya Nagar asked me if writer's block is real or it's just a name for something we don't quite understand? I think a few weeks ago I would be upset that he's trying to analyze me from J Krishnamurti perspective again, as he so often seems to be doing. However, today I didn't feel any resistance. My response was - I think any sort of block is just a name for something we do not understand (for whatever reasons) or do not want to accept. And I didn't have any troubles admitting to myself that I am running away. Maybe in observing this escape I will find the key!

So anyway, I picked up one of the topics that were suggested - Giving without losing yourself. I started writing and got tired again. So here goes part 1:

I had hit writer's block. In the middle of a long process that I am doing. I needed a break and requested for topics and got this one along with a few others.

My initial instinct about this topic was to think of boundaries. You can give without losing yourself if you can establish clear boundaries. However, on second thought, I am wondering. What really is giving? Does one really give? What does the act of giving even mean? Is it about sitting at a higher pedestal and doing charity? Is it about one side of a transaction? Is it about doing something, so that in return you receive something you need or want?

I was reading an article on medium today and it said people do favours to you to lure you into their toxic traps. It said people also ask favours in order to be liked by you. You see the human mind is wired in a way that receiving makes you feel obliged (which means now you must like the person). On the other hand, giving is an act that the brain equates with liking the person that you're giving something to. You like them, and that's why you must be doing them a favour, right?

I was reading something else too. I read a post by @Himanshu Kumar about Ashok Bhai and Lata Ben. I have pasted the link in the first comment for those of you who can read Hindi. What would it take for someone to do so much for others, and get whatever they were offered in return? When I read about Ashok Bhai, Lata Ben, Contractor Didi, Fr. Stan Swamy and the likes, I wonder if they knew they were giving?

Is a giver someone who does it because that's how their core is designed? If they do, then do they crib when they don't get anything in return? Even acknowledgement? Are they taken for granted?

So let me put it this way - I was suggested a topic to write, because I requested for ideas, as a favour. Now instead of actually writing how I feel about it, or what I think about it, I am busy coming up with more questions, some answered, others not.

But one thing that I can clearly see is this - In giving there is contribution, Liz (Elizabeth Merill I am taking the liberty to address you so, please suggest if you would prefer otherwise). No matter what we do, there is contribution happening, there is 'giving' happening, whether we acknowledge it or not. So, the fact that I asked a question on facebook, reflects that I wanted to 'give' myself the chance to benefit from the thoughts of others. It also means that unwittingly some people were given the chance 'by me, by the universe, by coincidence' to contribute to my life in this moment. I 'received this contribution, and I am now 'giving back' this write up.

The key however, is for me to remain humble. To accept that I am not necerssarily 'giving' something. I am sharing, contributing, whatever other phrase. Because in sharing there is pleasure, the joy multiplies, no one is left out, no one is burnt out. So, maybe giving as a verb needs to be replaced by sharing!

#चेतो_दर्पण_मार्जनम्_अनुपमा - Musings Post  7 - 07.07.2021

July 2021 - Post 6 - Sickness

Addictions, predilections, temptations, distractions, are all sicknesses. Does this mean I judge myself for caving in yesterday evening to partying? Or the few times before that? Does that make me weak? Does that make me judgeable? No, if at all, it makes me only human, with an awareness that I can change it if I want. That I will need to put in the hard work. The hard work in avoiding my emotions, my experiences, my cravings, my fears, my loneliness, and all that I deem ugly within. The poet in me will want to demonize or romanticize it all. However, if the rational part of my being starts to observe it quietly, patiently, maybe even gently, like one would sooth a child throwing tantrum, then I would know that nothing is ugly within. That no sickness is to be judged, that seeing the sickness itself means that the process to treat it has begun. So, today I am going to see my upset stomach, my headache, and my symptoms. The symptoms of what happens when you do not patiently listen, and plunge into something with hope, without seeing it for what it is - temptation, a mere distraction.

Today, I am going to allow myself to lose out on what I am trying to recover, and just chant - I'll be fine!

#चेतो_दर्पण_मार्जनम्_अनुपमा - Musings Post  6 - 06.07.2021

July 2021 - Post 5 - Simply Documenting

I am chatting with someone who sounds interesting. I have chucked a few out, and am not chatting with any of them any longer. Any old time acquaintances apart from the closest ones, seem to trigger me more than make me aware of what I want or not. Sometimes I wonder if I am desperate for a relationship. Then I also wonder why I want one. Also, if desperation is really wrong. Which takes my thought to whether there is anything really right or wrong? And then I can imagine a person or two frowning at me, talking to me down their noses, because I can't seem to capture what J Krishnamurti says.

I shrug my head and mutter WTF. I am going to chat with this seemingly interesting guy. Let's plan a date, let's discuss some work, let's drink a few cocktails. And before I know, I am deadbeat, drunk, and safely dropped home, triggered at a friend who's staying with me. There are things I cannot say, things I am not allowed to feel, things I do not know how to explain. What does lack of privacy do to me? What does it mean to stay with someone who shared all the space with you, but is neither a bf, nor your brother, and is just a temp flatmate?

There's a lot of anger. There's a lot of frustration, and also either victim mode or else perpetrator mode active. Lots of old-time wounds are also resurfacing. Sometimes I wonder if that's because of how the next few years might reflect for me numerologically? Next I feel it doesn't matter.

For now, running away from my emotions and frustrations on working for a seemingly inefficient client, as it may be, I will go and meet this guy in the evening. And let's see what unfolds.

#चेतो_दर्पण_मार्जनम्_अनुपमा - Musings Post  5 - 05.07.2021

July 2021 - Post 4 - Why do I write?

Last two days I was trying to write for catharsis and I realized all I was doing was babble away! It sounded like random ramblings with no head or tail, despite having themes, so I decided that I will try to journal about themes that are relatively more specific, or themes that are resurfacing for me time and again. There are a few things I have resolved for myself, but there are many others which are pending resolution, and so they keep coming up.

Interestingly it is obvious that I am trying to avoid facing issues that come up, emotions that well up, the fear that scares me, the anger that gnaws at me. In the process of this avoidance, I go out, I party, I consume substances, I binge food, I indulge in movies, or I binge-watch netflix. The truth? I seem to be not doing the only things that I MUST do to be able to face all this - sing, read, introspect, write, fulfill the ritual.

I sit and daydream these days. It feels nice. It scares me, sure. It makes me wonder why I want to do anything that I claim to want to do. If there is really anything that I want to do.

I get triggered at everything in others that I despise in myself. Then I sit and wonder why should I despise these things, whether in others or in me. I surprisingly do not get triggered at things that I was earlier getting triggered by. Then I sit and I wonder again if the triggers have changed or if I have.

I also wonder what  or who really is this I? I am tired already, but I am not going to stop. I will keep thinking and documenting this journey for whatever this journey is.

#चेतो_दर्पण_मार्जनम्_अनुपमा - Musings Post 4- 04.07.2021

July 2021 - Post 3 - The Price of Freedom

 अगर तुम आज़ादी चुनोगी तो शायद अकेली रह जाओगी
तुम्हें इक्का दुक्का लोग समझ पाएंगे
तुम अपनी बात समझने के लिए शायद छटपटाओगी

 लोग तुम्हारा अपमान करेंगे
तुम क्षोभ में उन्हें दूर करोगी, या खुद दूर हो जाओगी

व्यवस्था,  समाज, हज़ार प्रकार के ढाँचे तुम्हारे साथ अन्याय करेंगे
तुम बेड़ियों  में छटपटाओगी
और अगर बेड़ियाँ तोड़ेगी तो असुंदर कहलाओगी

किस्म किस्म के लेबल जब तुम खुद पर से उतार कर
अपनी आज़ादी पर खुद की मिल्कियत जमाओगी
तब अकेलेपन से तुम आज़ादी की कीमत चुकाओगी  

लेकिन याद रखना
चाहे कितना भी अकेला महसूस करो, अकेली होगी नहीं तुम
जेल तोड़ कर, सजा काट कर आज़ाद हुयी
कुछ गिनी-चुनी औरतों की बहन बन जाओगी
और एक दिन इस बहनापे के लेबल से भी मुक्त हो कर
हर मज़लूम के साथ तुम्हारी आवाज़ खड़ी होगी
 उस दिन आखिरकार तुम खुल के मुस्कुराओगी
देह मिटटी हो जाएगी तुम्हारी,
रूह आसमान
और तुम उस दिन, पूरी कायनात की हो जाओगी | 

#चेतो_दर्पण_मार्जनम्_अनुपमा - Musings Post 3- 03.07.2021

July 2021 - Post 2 - Early Childhood

A few things that stand out for me from my childhood - Being a child prodigy (no I did not mean the meaning of the word prodigy back then). I remember feeling awkward, I vaguely remember that I hated being touched by anyone except immediate family, my grandmothers, and an older aunt of mine. In retrospect I remember that I was conditioned and trained to not be touched, or hugged, or shown physical gestures of affection by anyone. It took me decades, to become the cuddlebear I am today. Is that good, is that bad, is that energetically safe, I do not know. But I do know that my parents did their best to protect me in a big, bad world where little girls gets molested, children get abused, and so much more.

I am not sure why this aspect of my early childhoood comes to my mind so prominently at this moment, but I have promised that I will try to write for catharsis and to make sense of my own life. I promised someone that I will at least ATTEMPT to write about my journey and my experiences and my explorations, and put it out there if I feel like it; in the hope that someone else might find some value in it. Not from the point of view of validating my thoughts, but from the value of them not feeling alone or lonely in whatever their journey is.

My childhood was loaded to say the least. It was lonely in a very not-so-sad way. It was very evolved in one way, and extremely ignorant and naive in another. However, one thing it most certainly was - It was protected, nurtured, supported. It was spent with parents trying to do their best, and providing us with the best options for our growth and accomplishments. Sometimes I wonder if my brothers feel the same way, sometimes I am sure that they do, and then I remind myself that my job is not to look into the minds of others, but in my own mind.

On a side note I think, if I could discover myself fully, then would I not be able to discover others too as well? In that case, isn't all existence one? But that's food for meditation another day. As it is, last few months, the minds has been super distracted, more than every before. It makes me wonder. Do all minds work so much? Do all people feel the need to think so much, feel so much, analyze so much? Do people pretend to be dumb? Do people take a sort of snobbish pride in being dumb when some of them try to put me down for how my mind works? Is there really something like a normal mind, or a sane mind really?

OK back to track. So, childhood. My childhood was one more thing - full of contradictions, and as a result of my inability to harmonize them, it was also full of conflict, some of it inter-generational in nature. My anger at the unfairness in the world. All my childhood and teenage, and now my adult life, there were a few things I could never bear - unfairness, unjustified (in my opinion) authority, and bullying. For the longest time, I didn't even know my reasons behind them, over decades I have discovered some. Over decades I have also discovered some about how they affect me personally or shape my life. However, over years I have also somehow felt very tired of the process of discovery.

This moment for instance. I have been writing for 15 minutes straight and I am not editing anything. I am not deleting anything that I am writing, I am not changing anything except probably a spelling here or a spelling there. However, when I try to dig deeper into my childhood, my mind tries to create a defence mechanism. It blocks my memories, it makes my physically jittery. It's OK I tell myself, but I feel impatient to write when I think like that. I feel my right foot twitching and I can almost heart a frustrated groan. If feet could speak, eh?

When I try to do exercises like these, specially by myself, when someone else isn't holding the space, it is very difficult, I can sense my body, and my energy differently. I can feel myself and this world and everything around me differently. Is that meditation? I do not know.

Something wierd is happening here. I am usually good at writing in structure, in bullet points, in an organized form. Damn it, I coach people into that skill. Yet, I try to write these musings and despite taking up topics, I ramble everywhere. But so be it, in the hope of the fact that I might perhaps be able to figure out something in this whole chaotic existence.

#चेतो_दर्पण_मार्जनम्_अनुपमा - Musings Post 2- 02.07.2021

July 2021 - Post 1 - Let's Begin

 

Disclaimer - This series of posts is for my benefit mainly, It has a very selfish motto - to reconcile my understanding of my life, to make sense of it and to honor it, or for that matter to shed it.

This month has import in life. Or maybe it doesn't. But it doesn't matter. What does matter is that people come to your life for various reasons. Relationships happen for a reason, life also happens for a reason. What is the reason tough? What is the purpose though? I do not know.

I am interacting with someone special these days. Their presence in my life is a non-judgemental, reassuring presence. They are not a close friend or family, and there is no romantic interest involved, so obviously it's even more soothing. Think of it like a very reassuring mentor-mentee relationship.

Our exchange on chat / phone call tells me that maybe I am not too far away and off from the line. It also tells me that there is a need for me to deep dive, to make sense of my journey, to make sense of all my explorations. It also reassures me that introspection and making sense of what you have done all this while in your life doesn't have to be necessarily done in a certain structure, but that it helps to have a structure.

Wasn't it structure that I sought when I explored organized religion or even certain spiritual practices? Was I not looking for structure, when I followed a so-called path to education or career? Wasn't structure my primary quest when I tried to pursue relationships, or even my journey into music, sexuality, literature, poetry, writing, or for that matter even social frameworks and interactions?

The real question for me however is - Did I ever really seek structure? Or was I conditioned into it? Was I ever interested in what the world wanted of me, or was my inner need for freedom stronger?

Sometimes I wonder what would it be like to live in someone's mind, who doesn't rebel, who is not restless, who has come to terms with their life. Sometimes I wonder what would it be like to be someone who doesn't feel the need to question much.

Would life then be easier, or would it simply make more sense to keep questioning? Is there a way to change one's core? One's samskara as one might say? Would it matter what level of Samskara you change? Would it vary on the basis of the body you have or the mental framework you might be?

In all honesty, I am simply ranting at the moment. But unless I begin ranting, I will never be able to begin discovery. So, here goes nothing!

#चेतो_दर्पण_मार्जनम्_अनुपमा - Musings Post 1- 01.07.2021

महिला पुरुष पार्टनरशिप - 1

  अगली कुछ पोस्ट्स सीरीज़ में आएँगी  | ये विशेष तौर पर पुरुषों के लिए है | आपसे दो निवेदन हैं -

1. सिर्फ पढ़ें | रिएक्ट करने कुछ दिन बाद आयें | मेरा यकीन मानिये बहुत सम्भावना है कि आपका आज का रिएक्शन और चार दिन बाद का रिएक्शन बहुत अलग अलग हो |
2. ध्यान रखें कि ये पोस्ट आपको किसी भी चीज़ के लिए कन्विंस करने के उद्देश्य से नहीं लिखी गयी है | आप इस में लिखी किसी भी बात से सहमति रखें या नहीं आप इसके लिए स्वतंत्र हैं | लेकिन बदले में ये भी ध्यान रखें कि  महिलाओं को कन्विंस करने की कोशिश मेरी वाल पर न करें | मेरे यहाँ ईमानदारी और खुद के जिए हुए यथार्थ के अलावा बात करने वाली सवारी अपने सामान की खुद ज़िम्मेदार होती है !

मुझे ये कहना है कि मैं बहुत थक गयी हूँ | हम में से अधिकतर बहुत थक गयी हैं | हम इस बात से थकी हुयी हैं, कि जब हम आप लोगों को 'न' कहती  हैं,तो आपको लगता है ये आपका मौका है हमसे मोल-भाव, निगोशिएट करने का | हम कहती हैं, हमें hookup नहीं करना, आप ' न' का सम्मान नहीं करते बल्कि हमें convince करने लगते हैं कि hookup में कुछ बुरा नहीं | अब इसे देखिये एक बार - hookup  में कुछ बुरा नहीं, ठीक है | लेकिन एक आप ये मान लेते हैं कि हमें ये पता नहीं | दूसरा आप ये मान लेते हैं, कि हमें जो पता नहीं, वो बताने की, वो सिखाने की ज़िम्मेदारी आपकी  है | तीसरा आप ये मान लेते हैं कि अगर हमें ये पता है तो हमें इसे स्वीकार कर के इसपे एक्शन लेना चाहिए | इन तीनों धारणाओं को बनाते समय, आप हमसे नहीं पूछते कुछ भी  | ऐसे में ये धारणाएँ काल्पनिक हो जाती हैं, वास्तविक नहीं | अब इसमें ये भी जोड़ लीजिये कि औरतों  को अमूमन रेप से, एसिड अटैक से, स्टॉकिंग से, दबाव से, भी जूझना  पड़ता है | ऐसे में, आपकी ये काल्पनिक धारणाएँ हमारी लड़ाई में हमें आज़ादी नहीं देतीं बल्कि हमारी लड़ाइयाँ बढ़ा देती हैं | हमारे लिए एक और मोर्चा खुल जाता है जूझने के लिए | हम थकती हैं ये सोच के कि सिर्फ इसलिए कि आप को हमने दोस्त माना, या कि हम सोशल मीडिया पे हैं, या कि हम आपसे ऑफिस में, कॉलेज में, किसी पार्टी पे मिलीं, आप को लगता है कि आपकी हमारे बारे में धारणाएं सच हैं | हम थकती हैं, अपनी एजेंसी हासिल करने के लिए, जो अपने अपनी धारणाओं के चलते हमसे छीन ली | हम थकती हैं ये सोच के कि हम आप पर भरोसा नहीं कर सकतीं |

मुझे ये मालूम है कि आप लोगों की ज़िन्दगी में भी बहुत दबाव हैं | मेरे लिए ये बातें ज़्यादा दबाव, कम दबाव के बारे में नहीं हैं | लेकिन हम पीढ़ियों से थकती आ रही हैं | और मैं इन पोस्ट्स में आपसे सिर्फ तीन चीज़ें पूछना चाहती हूँ -

1. क्या आप  पोस्ट से सहमति या असहमति जताये बिना, हम औरतों के लिए ये स्पेस बना सकते हैं, कि हमें आपसे बार बार नहीं कहने की ज़रुरत न पड़े | एक बार काफी हो?
2. क्या आप बिलकुल भी ग्लानि या गुस्सा महसूस किये बिना, अपने खुद के, अपने परिवार के और पुरुषों के, अपने मित्रों के व्यवहार में ऐसी हरकतों को नोटिस करने (और अगर आपकी हिम्मत हो तो उन्हें call out ) करने की कोशिश कर सकते हैं?
3. क्या आप ये कोशिश कर सकते हैं कि आप हमें ये बता कर कि ब्लॉक कर दो, इग्नोर कर दो, हमारी सुरक्षा का ज़िम्मा भी हम ही पर डाल कर हमारी थकन और न बढ़ाएं?

क्या आप हमारी पीढ़ियों की थकान कम करने में हमारे पार्टनर्स बन सकते हैं ?

 - Anupama Garg 28.06.2021

A thousand shades of Fatherhood

So, Father's day just went by, and here is a sort of an introduction from another of my books which is in pipeline. Hope you enjoy it!

_______________

 

Mishti fervently typed away!

The deadline for her book was yesterday. "Everything in my life needs to have been done yesterday, so it's OK", she defended herself and rolled her eyes. How does one write about one's parents?

How does one write about one's mother, or even one's father? Does one glamorize the role they played? Does one complain and whine about their shortcomings? Does one look at them objectively, as one attempts to do with oneself?

"Afterall doesn't it take a village to raise a child?" So then why should fatherhood be limited to just one man? Why should not one celebrate, or critically evaluate even, all father figures in one's life?

Why should not be grateful for the firm discipline a mother instills, or the maternal love that the father shows?

Why should not one celebrate the teacher who dropped you home when you were being stalked by a guy and landed at his place nervously?

Why would one not talk about the lover who walked out on you, because you had daddy issues? And another who simply embraced them? And those, who one doesn't have a relationship with, but wishes silently, that they be the man you might want to raise children with?

How does one celebrate the paternal, but non-patronizing male friends who would comfort and provide solace in bleak moments of desperate loneliness, despite being misjudged as a boyfriend for that?

Oh, and how does one accept, even embrace... the mentors, bosses, colleagues who are misogynistic and patronizing, simply because they assume familial familiarity at the workplace? Also, those who are genuinely empowering and show it through their actions, how does one celebrate them?

 

 

Mishti's thoughts wandered to the complexities of fatherhood for gay couples, for polyamorous households, for single fathers, for single women who acted both as mothers AND as fathers for their children.

A deep breath! A sigh!

"Didi, bahut raat ho rahi hai khana kha lo ab!" Shankar Bhaiya said, his voice reflecting only the slightest of impatience.

Mishti lifted her head up and wondered what would her life be like without Shankar Bhaiya. The life of a workaholic, insomniac, trigger happy, thriving single woman who worked odd hours, travel at a whim, and was barely bothered about food or sleep simply because she enjoyed the rest of her life too often!

She remembered, how half her acquaintances were concerned about her safety when she hired Shankar Bhaiya. But Mishti trusted her gut. And Shankar Bhaiya earned her trust over 10 long years. If shit is supposed to still hit the roof, it will, what is there for me to do.

What about the fatherhood of Shankar Bhaiya which extended to Mishti, even beyond his own family?

"Bas, do minute Shankar Bhaiya!", Mishti responded with a smile, finished her draft, hit the enter key to send it to her editor. As she walked to the dining table, she got on to a group video call with her family and close friends. It was time to celebrate Father's day, away from her family after all. It was time to celebrate a thousand shades of fatherhood!

#Fathers_day

Disclaimer - Image source - Internet. Not being used for commercial purposes. 

 

 

© Anupama 2021  (24.06.2021)

A leaf from my experiments journal...

I was a part of online communities for long before I first became a member of a community offline. This community was connected to each other because of their sexual preferences, and it was a new thing to me. A new concept. Some of them were queer, others in open relationships, and there were others who experienced with pain and pleasure. That said, I was intrigued, as always - by the concepts. More importantly by the importance of consent.

However, 10 years later, I can tell you that people can manipulate consent. And you have to live with the consequences. I can tell you that the thought of consequences was the one thing that I did not consent to most things unless I wanted to.

 

Know, that things are layered, relationships nuanced, interactions multi-dimensional. What you might be consenting to, isn't necessarily the same in theory, as when it happens to you, or when you do it to someone. And sometimes it will be a one-way street because it will either bring you in touch with a hidden aspect of your core, or because it will simply alter you. Thankfully I have never had to deal with anything that would cause irreversible legal ramifications, but that can happen too, if you are not sorted.

 

The lessons though, are not something you will forget. Ever. Here's one from my playbook:

 

I learnt that when people try to convince you too hard, it's never to your advantage. No matter who the people are. The real well-wishers will have one solid, decent, lengthy discussion. They will not throw parties to lure you, nor gift you conditional friendship. They will establish healthy boundaries, and not intrude unless you invite them to. 

 

So the next time, someone tells you that you MUST have sex in order to know who you really are, you don't have to dis/agree right there. Give it some time, see if they are being pushy.

 

The next time, someone tells you it's OK to drink and party, when you don't want to, err on the side of caution.

 

The next time, someone tells you that your autonomy on your body can ONLY be expressed through sex, ask them how different are they from those pushing you for virginity. Check their responses out.

The next time, ANYONE tells you to do ANYTHING and cannot show you a direction or clearly answer your questions about WHY, you PAUSE.

 

You may still do it, or not do it, but don't make a decision under manipulation. Also remember, one kind of conditioning isn't better than another. So, choose the one you feel comfortable with, that you want to live with, that you want to experiment with.

 

- Anupama 10.6.2021

From Kavi/yitri-priya to privileged poet/esses

 

Presume not, O Poet!

For the curve of my lips, may not be an invitation,

Instead it might be simply sarcasm.

 

Presume not, O Man!

For my curves might not be intended to bear your child,

but simply as extra padding to the heat and the cold.

 

Dare not presume, you naive idjit,

For you do not know what child-birth, or even periods mean,

and you never will, so pray, don't be bold.

 

Stop glorifying my sex, just like you can stop condemning it.

Stop trying to turn every conversation about me,

into a simple session of mansplaining for your convenience.

You see, my mind isn't designed to be at your service.

It's instead designed to decide for myself. 

 

Stop assuming my consent,

for you imbecile,

A no isn't an invitation to negotiate.

A no isn't a maybe,

and since you cannot understand this,

go back to the play school, and learn the word again!

A no is a no is a no!

 

You maybe a great poet/ess,

You may assume and stare,

You may seek attention,

When critiqued, you may cry unfair,

But let me ask you this,

Do I really care?

 

So next time,

keep mum if you don't know what to say.

It might save you some face,

and not put your bigotry on display.

 

Anupama - 09.06.2021

A Tale of Humility, Humanity, Hope, and Hugs

She walked on, trudged on, in the dark tunnel. All she had was a voice that called out to her... Her doctor's voice over the phone. Tired, exhausted, but reassuring. In that moment, she was humbled. This man who had a family of his own, hadn't seen them in weeks, because he wanted to ensure that he didn't carry the Pandemic home. This man had lost more patients in the last one year, than in his entire career of more than 3 decades. This man felt helpless as the system failed him. Yet, he found it in him, to reassure her, to advice her, to support her through the sickness of her family. She was humbled!

She paused before she dialed the next call. She was tired, numb, grief-stricken. It felt selfish to be grateful that her family was safe. She shrugged her feelings off. Survivor's guilt. She prayed again, a superstition maybe. She planned her meditation session. And then she got back to it. The number rang, she got lucky!

Oxygen cylinders were available. She called up the person she was supporting through the helpline where she was volunteering. "Didi, please share the oxygen lead to someone else, our patient is no more." Beep.... The line went dead. And with it, another bit of her humanity.

She binge watched, season after season, series after series. Anything to distract herself. Anything to lose herself, anything that could take her to a point where she wouldn't have to write 'take care', 'stay safe', 'be well', 'sorry for your loss', 'rest in peace'. She immersed herself in work, work she had been superb at, and currently was dysfunctional at. She was unable to sing much, unable to write much, unable to think, feel.

She was numb. But there was still hope. There was the vaccine, there was the possibility of all people above 18 getting it. There were lessons people might learn, intelligent questions people might ask, responsibilities people might take. There was still hope. As bleak, as threadbare, as fragile as it was... There was still hope.

She called them. She was finally going home. After days. Rather weeks. She had been stuck away from them. Not in a hospital, not in a quarantine centre, but in a distant location. She had spoken to them every day, seen them on a video call at least twice a week, but she longed for the touch. She longed for the hugs. She reached home. They hugged. There it was. Her anchor to her humanity. Finally.

She felt human again. She lived again. She loved again. She hoped again. She prayed. Once Again.

 

© Anupama 2021

कोविड में प्रेम

एक प्रेम सम्बन्ध के झंझावात से निकली शिवि , जब तक अकेलेपन के सोग को अकेलेपन के उत्सव में थोड़ा बहुत बदल पायी, तब तक, सारी दुनिया कोविड के चक्रव्यूह में गहरा धंस चुकी थी | टिंडर, OKCupid वगैरह पे जाने का मतलब ही क्या था, किसी से मिलना तो था नहीं, आइसोलेटेड रहना था | 

 

फिर 2 महीने के लगभग lockdown, वर्क फ्रॉम होम, और खुद को व्यस्त रखने के अनगिनत उपायों के बाद, धीरे धीरे कहीं कहीं जाना शुरू किया | 5 महीने बाद घर गयी | 5 महीनों तक घर रही, फिर 1 महीना किसी दोस्त के, क्योंकि दम घुटने लगा | न घर पे डेट करने की संभावना, न दोस्त के शहर में | 

 

 

 

अब जब शिवि लौट कर उस शहर आयी है, जिसे अपना कहती है, तो नौकरी छोड़ कर काम ढूंढ रही है | वरना घर लौट जाएगी, ऐसा तय है | लेकिन अब काम से काम कुछ लोगों से बात करना शुरू किया जा सकता है ऐसा लगा | अकाउंट तो बना लिया, कुछ ठीक से प्रोफाइल भी दिखे | लेकिन सिर्फ काम ही करना होता तो भी कोई बात थी, दुनिया बीमारी की अगली लहर से जूझ रही है | 

 

भाई की तबियत नासाज़ है, माँ symptoms दिखा रही हैं | और ऐसे में जब शादी शुदा मर्द दोस्ती करना चाहते हैं, सिंगल्स ज़बरदस्ती अपने entitlement के साथ इनबॉक्स में चले आते हैं | दसियों साल से जानने वाले पुरुष भी दोस्त बन कर नहीं, मालिक बन कर ज़िन्दगी में लौटना चाहते हैं, तो मन करता है दुनिया को भाड़ में जाने को कह दे | 

 

आखिर कैसे करे कोई कोविड में प्रेम?

© Anupama 2021

मैं किसान हूँ

 

तुम जो मुझ पर बन्दूक तानते हो

तुम जो मुझे आगे कर बन्दूक तानते हो

भूल जाते हो

मैं अभिमन्यु नहीं हूँ

मैं फंस भी गया,

तो चक्रव्यूह भेद कर बाहर किसी तरह आ ही जाऊँगा | 

 

मैं कृष्ण भी नहीं

इसलिए विध्वंस की शक्ति पा भी गया

तो अर्जुन को आगे नहीं करूंगा

और १००वें अपशब्द पर चक्र भी नहीं चलाऊंगा | 

 

राम नहीं हूँ मैं

इसलिए लाँछन से बँध कर

गर्भवती धर्मपत्नी को बनवास नहीं सुनाऊंगा |

 

मैं किसान हूँ

मेरी सुनोगे तो धरती से सोना उपजाऊंगा

और मुझे मार दोगे तो शायद चुपचाप मर भी जाऊँगा|

 

लेकिन तुम खाओगे क्या ?

बंदूकें या बंकर में छुप कर

अपने हाथ से चली गोली?

© Anupama 2021