My most loving Ma,
The first letter of love I write, has to be to you. Who else,
if not the woman who bore me for 9 months, breastfed me for 2 years and then has
loved me unconditionally alongside her man for the last 34?
The truth ma, is that when I think of you, when I write to
you, when I speak to you, when I fight with you, I am never not teary :D Either
of joy, or of concern, fear, sadness, solidarity, love, irritation, frustration
at the distance and what not. But there’s not one moment when I don’t feel
intense love for you in some or the other form.
As you age and as I do too, I see your tiredness in perspective.
I see your life in as much perspective as I can. Since your mother and MIL have
left this world, I dread the day when I will (for we all must) face your loss.
Will I be able to cope with the strength that you showed? Will I be graceful as
you are?
When I consider having a family, I wonder ma. Will I be as
giving, as loving, as selfless as you have been? I have never seen you argue
with anyone except in rare circumstances. I’ve seen you serve one and all. I
have seen you adopt one and all, my friends, those of your sons, those of your
husband’s, the neighbour’s children, the orphan maid with 4 children of her
own, labour that made our home, plants, stray animals, what not. Yet, you’ve managed to make each of us feel
like we belong, in our own unique way.
You may not have read to us as many stories as papa did, you have given us enough that mattered. Your own stories, I will never have a dearth of, to tell kids in the family and to the kids of the larger family in the world. The realistic stories of a loving mother who has dealt with happy times, the not so happy, the easy, the tough and more.
Had you not been the mother that you are, I would have never learnt to share your love. I remember you asking me in rhetoric with your gentle voice when I was throwing a fit over the maid calling you ‘mummy’… “Munna, kal ko bhabhiyaan aayengi, tera apna pati bhi to mujhe ma bolega beta, tab bhi aise hi ladegi?”
That moment, you explained to me what motherhood really is
about. It’s not just about bearing and rearing children, it’s about giving.
Unconditionally.
I have seen you give in different roles. To your elders, you
have played the role of their mothers when you nurtured them, when you served
them and continue to do so. With your peers, I have seen you play the role of
the fairy Godmother, no matter what advice, support they may need. With your
youngers, I have seen you hold them as children in your lap, and as secret
keepers when they needed it.
I see you fight for me, when I won’t; no matter who you may
face; your relatives, or dad’s or the ever-meddling general public. I see you
fight for dad, without him even knowing. I see you fight for the boys, when
they only partially realize what you have done and continue to do.
I am happy that you have looked after your health and I want
you to continue doing it. As I approach later thirties in a few years, I hope
to be able to see you happier, relaxed, settling in your role as the matriarch
of the family (though you’ve ruled like a queen in your own right anyway, all
through).
I wish I was a worthier daughter, married, a mother myself.
However, I also know that you will understand better than any other person in
this world that I need to be out there and go get much more for myself. You
also understand my insecurities, my hurt, my disappointment, my fear, joys,
sadness, anger and the myriad of nuanced emotions that I experience and let
spill over to you.
I realize in hindsight that I haven’t been an easy child to
raise. But for you mother, I would have been a disaster. And but for you, I am
anything but a miracle.
As I close this first letter in what is hopefully going to
be a series of them, I hope to be a better and a more loving daughter, a closer
comrade, the friend that you’ve made in me, the patient adult that you have so
patiently nurtured in me. It is time now for me to step up and nurture you,
protect you, love you as unconditionally as you have done all my life this far.
With that ma, I’m glad that you’ve learnt to say ‘I love you
too, Munna’ rather than a thank you, when I say ‘I love you Ma’.
Much love to you,
Your loving daughter
© Anupama 2018
© Anupama 2018
