Showing posts with label musings. Show all posts
Showing posts with label musings. Show all posts

Sunday, 14 November 2021

To Kill a Mockingbird - Book Review

Just because I wanted to write this, here comes nothing.

Set in 1930s in Maycomb county, Alabama, a 6-year-old gives you an insight into law, racism, gender dynamics, marriages, rape, religion, mental health, friendships, joy, solidarity, grief, communities, and everything else that you can imagine as a subject for discourse even today.

One of the things that I simply loved about the book is that there is only ONE single character that has been portrayed as entirely evil. And honestly, Atticus, with his usual subjective analysis has been able to identify as a victim-turned-perpetrator.

No other character is black only, or white only. They are all people with both the good and the bad wolves within them. They are a small community of people with areas of life that need a lot of work, and also with areas that are perfect as they are. A community that runs to extinguish an old spinster's house, and rebuild it, and yet a community that shuns away those they call trash.

Another adorable thing about this piece of fiction is the way Atticus addresses every single question his children ask. Sure, Atticus is a very textbook ideal father, but he does have a lot of similarities with my own. No wonder Scout puts him on a pedestal like I did mine for decades.

No wonder it took Scout Finch a long time (all the way in the second book) to see that he is a human with his shortcomings too. No wonder it took me a decade too to know that my own Atticus in my life is a human and has his own limitations too. 




Similarly, Calpurnia is a perfect example of a decent person, and Dr. Finch a perfect gentleman despite his quirks and his eccentric habits. However, the sensitivity that Boo Radley demonstrates is something else altogether. How child-like simplicity can reach the heart of a man who has been shunned away, been left alone fot decades! How also, the same simplicity can shock and brings back to senses, a horde of men intent on violence and murder!

And then the book made me think of what Atticus does when it comes to fighting the case for a falsely accused Negro. The willingness to sacrifice his life in trying to save that of Tom Robinson, reminds me of the willingness of Elijah Michaelson to sacrifice his for Niklaus in the series Originals. His fear for the life of his children, the same as Niklaus' for his daughter Hope.

I read the book every single time and I am reminded of the aggression the oppressed face even within their communities. Calpurnia facing the anger of others in the Negro community for instance. For the fact that she is educated, can read, can speak 'proper' English. I love how she responds to that aggression, and how she explains it to Jem and Scout when they ask.

While it may be set in date, I love this book to pieces, and often wonder what would the world like be if it had more of Miss Maudies and Atticus Finches. I wonder what the world would be like if we had more children brought up like Jem Finch and Scout Finch.

I feel this sense of nostalgia with my own childhood, and yet feel bereft of something in there. Something that I only see missing in hindsight, even though that something isn't the highlight of everything that I missed while growing up.

To everyone, who has read the book and loved it, yay to the tribe! To those who read it and didn't love it, or like it, I'll love to hear your thoughts on this piece of text. To all those who haven't read it, you might be missing a really good book. See, if you'd like to read it. To those of you who want their children to read REALLY meaningful stuff, this might be a great pick.

On that note, here's a quote from Atticus Finch that has formed the basis of all my struggle subconsciously, ever since I read it... “This time we aren’t fighting the Yankees, we’re fighting our friends. But remember this, no matter how bitter things get, they’re still our friends and this is still our home.”

© Anupama 2021

Saturday, 5 December 2020

क्या हमारी दुनिया बदल रही है ? - 1

 

"शोक कैसा होता है, आप जानती हैं ?", मृतका की माँ ने जज से पूछा |

जज ने कुछ नहीं कहा |

"आप लोग ट्रेन्ड लोग, ज़्यादा पढ़े लिखे लोग, सब समझने वाले लोग | आपको लगता है आप समझते हैं | ख़ैर ग़लतफ़हमी का क्या है, किसी को भी हो जाती है | अच्छी से अच्छी ट्रेनिंग के बावजूद भी |"
"शोक होता है, बेबी पाउडर की बची खुची धुंधलाती गंध जैसा", उन्होंने कहा |

"सूखे होठों जैसा, अपनी घबराई माँ के आँचल में सर छुपा के पड़े रहने जैसा, आंसू सूख जाने जैसा, अपनी 13 साल की बच्ची की लाश को गोद में उठाने, लेकिन उसके मुंह की ओर देख भी न पाने जैसा, क्योंकि आपने अपनी बच्ची के लिए अच्छी ज़िन्दगी का सपना देखा था | और आपको बदले में मिली, अपनी बच्ची का रेप, और उसकी हत्या | वो भी कुछ 19-साला लड़कों से ???"

"इनकी तरफ देखिये Your Honor ! मैं क्या करूँ? बोलूँ इन्हें फाँसी दीजिये? इनकी माँओं को मैं वो सज़ा कैसे दूँ, जो इन्होंने मुझे बिना कुछ किये दे दी? आप सज़ा देना चाहते हैं? दीजिये इन्हें सजा कि अगले पाँच साल में, 25 - 25 रेप विक्टिम्स की ज़िंदगियाँ पटरी पर लाएंगे !"

"इनके गुनाह, हम सब माँओं के दुःख, और आपकी सज़ा में आपस में कोई सम्बन्ध नहीं है Your Honor | लेकिन, अगर सज़ा से हम औरतों की दुनिया थोड़ी बदलती हो तो ज़रूर | बाकी न्याय की किताबें आप लोगों ने पढ़ी हैं | जो संविधान कहे वो कीजिये | "

आज सालों बाद भी, वो 13 साल की बच्ची हज़ारों हज़ारों लड़कियों में रोज़ मर रही है | लेकिन क्या हमारी दुनिया बदल रही है ? 
 

 
 
©  Anupama Garg 2020

Tuesday, 17 September 2019

असुविधाजनक बातें - भाग 4

कल लिखते लिखते प्राइवेसी पर कुछ विचार आये दिमाग में | तो प्राइवेसी या निजता आखिर कुछ है भी, या महज़ एक छलावा है ? देखने में मुद्दा सीधा सपाट है | ज़िन्दगी में जो मेरे घर की चारदीवारी में हो, वो प्राइवेट | जैसे - सेक्स प्राइवेट, बीमारी प्राइवेट, मानसिक रोग प्राइवेट, शादी के बीच की तकलीफ प्राइवेट, भाइयों का झगड़ा प्राइवेट, प्रेम प्रसंग प्राइवेट, क्या खाते हैं प्राइवेट आदि आदि | तो फिर मेरा अगला सवाल - फिर बलात्कार प्राइवेट क्यों नहीं? आत्महत्या, घरेलू हिंसा, कोर्ट केस, हॉनर किलिंग, ये सब प्राइवेट क्यों नहीं?

मुझे नहीं मालूम, कि हममें से वास्तव में कितने लोग प्राइवेसी के कांसेप्ट को वाकई समझते हैं, और कितने इसे मात्र सुविधा की तरह इस्तेमाल करते हैं | लेकिन मुझे जो दिखता है, वो ये है कि प्राइवेसी की आड़ में दबाव, शर्मिंदगी, चुप्पी, डर, धमकियाँ, और पता नहीं कितनी दूसरी चीज़ें छुपाई जाती हैं | प्राइवेसी का हव्वा ही एक लम्बे समय तक औरतों को दवा, इलाज, और डॉक्टर न मिल पाने का कारण था | यही कारण है आज भी बड़ी होती बहुत सी बच्चियां रजोनिवृत्ति या मासिक धर्म या प्रेगनेंसी या सेफ सेक्स से जुड़े सवाल नहीं पूछ पातीं | शहरों में शायद फिर भी कुछ चीज़ों के हालात थोड़े फ़र्क़ हों, मगर मनोरोग आज भी ऐसा विषय है जिनके बारे में कोई खुल नहीं बोलता |

सवाल ये है कि ये प्राइवेसी तब कहाँ चली जाती है, जब अच्छे भले पढ़े लिखे घरों के लड़के, किस लड़की के साथ सोये थे, ये चटकारे ले कर एक दुसरे को बताते हैं? ये प्राइवेसी तब कहाँ चली जाती है, जब PayTM से खरीदे कंडोम्स के ट्रांसेक्शन G B Road के किसी मेडिकल स्टोर के अगेंस्ट दिखता है? इस प्राइवेसी का क्या करेंगे जब डॉक्टर से यौन परामर्श न लेने के कारण यौन रोगों का इलाज नहीं हो पायेगा?

ओह वैसे, शायद आप भूल रहे हों | ऐसे बहुत से लोग हैं, दिव्यांग जन , कुछ विशेष रोगों जैसे पक्षाघात / लकवा, खास तौर से paraplegia से पीड़ित लोग, जिनके लिए प्राइवेसी की संकल्पना सिर्फ नाम मात्र को होती है | वो चाह कर भी प्राइवेसी नहीं हासिल कर पाते, कम से कम सामान्य लोगों जितनी नहीं | मैं ये नहीं कहती कि व्यक्तिगत स्पेस की ज़रुरत नहीं | बस इतना कह रही हूँ कि जिसे हम स्पेस, प्राइवेसी, निजी कहते हैं, अगर वो हमें समय पर मदद मांगने से रोकने लगे, तो किस काम की?

अगर किसी ने अपने निजी #metoo का ज़िक्र प्राइवेसी के चलते न किया होता, तो इतना विमर्श न हुआ होता | अगर लोगों ने हीमोफीलिया, कैंसर, डिप्रेशन के बारे में बात न की होती, तो सहायता समूह न बनते | अगर तलाक, दहेज़ उत्पीड़न, घरेलु हिंसा के बारे में लोग मुंह न खोलने लगते, अगर सती प्रथा को प्राइवेट मसला मान कर इग्नोर किया जाता, अगर बाल विवाह और शरीर की परिपक्वता की बात न की जाती, और ये कह दिया जाता, की ये तो निजी मसले हैं, तो कहाँ होते हम आज?

तो आज के विमर्श में मेरा आपसे सवाल यही है, कि प्राइवेसी सिर्फ सुविधा है, या ज़रुरत? और किस हद तक? वो कौनसा स्तर है, जहाँ प्राइवेसी मर्यादा से बदल कर शर्म बन जाती है?

©Anupama Garg 2019

Monday, 16 September 2019

असुविधाजनक बातें - भाग 3

ऐसा क्या है सेक्स के बारे में जो हम उस बारे में बात नहीं करना चाहते ? कहीं ऐसा तो नहीं कि शुरुआत में कपड़े पहनने की जो आदत इंसान ने अपने शरीर को सुरक्षित रखने के लिए डाली थी, कहीं वही हमारे बीच की दीवारें बन गई है ? कहीं ऐसा तो नहीं कि सुरक्षा से शर्म, और शर्म से चुप्पी की ओर चलते हुए हमने निजीपन या प्राइवेसी को एक अंधेरे कोने में बदल दिया है, जहाँ हम खुद भी नहीं झांक पाते | मुझे इस बात में शुबहा नहीं कि आपकी व्यक्तिगत जिंदगी आपकी अपनी है, मगर मुझे इस बात का अफसोस है कि इस निजता की आड़ लेकर लोग कैसे रिश्तों में दोगलापन बरत पाने की छूट ले लेते हैं |

आप अपने पति या पत्नी के साथ सेक्स की बात भी नहीं करेंगे, आप किसी काउंसलर के पास जाने के बारे में सोचेंगे नहीं, मगर आपकी ही जितनी सीमित सोच वाले किसी दोस्त की ये सलाह कि मल्टी रॉड लगवाने से महिलाएं मोटी हो जाती हैं, मान लेंगे? आप अपने जीवन साथी/यों से बात करने से जी चुरायेंगे, मगर आपको ये उम्मीद है, कि आपके एक्स्ट्रा मैरिटल अफेयर में आप खुश रह पाएंगे | ज़ाहिर सी बात है एथिकल पॉलीएमोरी या नीतिपरक बहुप्रेमी प्रथा के बारे में न तो आपने पढ़ा है, न पढ़ने की ज़ेहमत ही उठाना चाहते हैं | कई जिन्होंने कुछ अधकचरा पढ़ लिया होता है, उन्हें ऐसी बातों की आड़ ले कर सिर्फ सेक्स करना होता है, वो सेक्स जिसके बारे में भी कुछ ख़ास समझते नहीं हैं वे |

अक्सर हम जब पकड़े जाते हैं तो जस्टिफाई भी करते हैं | मगर इतनी हिम्मत नहीं होती कि ये कह सकें, कि एक से ज़्यादा लोगों से प्यार करना है | और उसकी जड़ इस बात में छुपी है, कि आपको सम्बन्ध, सम्भोग और स्नेह में फ़र्क़ करना आता भी नहीं और आप ये फ़र्क़ सीखना चाहते भी नहीं | और अगर कोई और इन मुद्दों पर खुल कर बोले या अपना सच स्वीकार करने की कोशिश करे, तो या तो आप उसे डरा देते हैं, और या उसे शर्मिंदा करने की कोशिश करते हैं | आप हाथों हाथ उसे बेशर्म, गैर जिम्मेदार, इम्मोरल,अनैतिक, धोखेबाज़ और ऐसे ही अनेक शब्दों के तमगे पहना देते हैं |

सच ये है कि संबंधों का कोई जायज या नाजायज होने का तरीका नहीं होता, मगर ऐसा जरूर है कि कुछ लोगों ने किसी वक्त में अपनी सहूलियत के हिसाब से कुछ नियम बनाए थे | सवाल यह है कि क्या वही नियम पीढ़ी दर पीढ़ी हमें ढोते जाने चाहिए ? जिस वक्त दुनिया की आबादी कुछ चंद करोड़ लोग थी, उस वक़्त जो नियम लागू होते हैं क्या आज साढ़े सातअरब की जनसंख्या पर आप वही नियम लागू कर सकते हैं ? क्या यह संभव है कि जो नियम जमीन और जायदाद के चलते बनाए गए थे, और जिनके द्वारा परिवार, विवाह, और एकपत्नी या एक पति रखने की प्रथा चालू की गयी थी, आज भी वही प्रथा चलाकर आप सबको खेती की ज़मीन दे पाएंगे? सबका पेट भर पाएंगे ?

क्या यह संभव है कि मानव अब वह मानव नहीं रहा, और मानव का यह बदलाव अच्छा या बुरा नहीं, मात्र एक तथ्य है? यह तथ्य स्वीकारने में समय और प्रयास दोनों ही लगेंगे, कि समाज के ढांचे , और संबंधों के आमूलचूल स्ट्रक्चर में कुछ परिवर्तन तो आया ही है, कुछ जारी है और कुछ आता रहेगा | इसलिए संवाद करना और भी जरूरी है |

ना तो मैं यह कह रही हूं कि आप हवा के बहाव में बह जाएं और ना ही यह क्या बरगद के पेड़ की तरह बंद कर पुरानी लीक पकड़े रहें | मैं सिर्फ यह कह रही हूं कि यदि इन मुद्दों के बारे में हम खुला संवाद कर पाएंगे तो बदलती मानवीय सभ्यता की बदलती जरूरतों को भी आराम से एड्रेस कर पाएंगे | इसका नतीजा यह होगा कि बेवजह के टकराव, बेवजह के झूठ, लाचारी, और बेईमानी में निश्चित ही कमी आएगी और ईमानदारी से बने ऐसे रिश्ते आने वाली पीढ़ी की भावनाओं, विचारों और मानसिकता को बेहतर तो जरूर बनाएंगे |

लेकिन यह हो सिर्फ तभी पाएगा जब हम अपने पहले से जमे हुए विचारों को, खुद के लिए बदलने में दिलचस्पी लेंगे | यह तब हो पाएगा जब हम परिवार के ढांचे, समाज की संरचना और नैतिकता की मिसालों को बदलने के लिए तैयार होंगे | ज़ाहिर सी बात है यह काम आसान नहीं होगा | यह काम कुछ 2, 5, 10 लोगों के करने का भी नहीं है | यह काम समूची मानवता को सामूहिक तौर पर करना होगा | अब सवाल यह है यह करने के लिए पहला कदम क्या होगा? मेरी नज़र में, संवाद और विमर्श, इस बदलाव की ओर पहला सुदृढ़ कदम होगा |

"सवाल यह नहीं कि मुद्दा क्या है | सवाल यह है कि संवाद कैसा हो ? विमर्श कैसा हो?

©Anupama Garg 2019

Sunday, 15 September 2019

असुविधाजनक बातें - भाग 2

कल की बात से आगे बढ़ाते हुए......

एक सवाल आज ही मुझसे किसी ने ने पूछा - डेटिंग तक तो ठीक है, मगर आपको सेक्स के बारे में बात करना ज़रूरी क्यों लगता है? मेरा उनसे प्रतिप्रश्न था - यदि मैं जियोग्राफी या गणित या फिल्मों की बात करती तो आपको दिक्कत होती?

वे - नहीं,मगर सेक्स व्यक्तिगत है |
मैं - तो क्या मैं स्वास्थ्य की बात कर लूँ ?
वे - हाँ, क्यों नहीं?
मैं - मुझे जब डिप्रेशन हुआ था, उस बारे में?
वे - हाँ हाँ ज़रूर, क्यों नहीं ?
मैं - लेकिन वो भी तो व्यक्तिगत है?
वे - हाँ लेकिन सेक्स के बारे में बात नहीं करते |
मैं - वो मैं समझी, मगर क्यों?
वे - यार तुम तो ज़िद पर अड़ गयी हो !
मैं - चलिए कुछ सवालों के जवाब दीजिये | आपकी शादी हुए १० साल से ज़्यादा हुए, बच्चे भी हैं, सेक्स किया था?
वे - वो तो सब करते हैं |
मैं - लेकिन Asexual लोग नहीं करते | आप जानते हैं, asexuality क्या होती है?
वे - ......(सन्नाटा)
मैं - छोड़िये, दूसरा सवाल! आप अब भी सेक्स करते हैं?
वे - ( सकुचाते हुए) - हाँ, पर उतना नहीं |
मैं - खाना भी बहुत कम खाते होंगे फिर?
वे - दोनों में क्या सम्बन्ध है? खाना तो बीवी उतना ही खिलाती है |
मैं - तो सेक्स क्यों नहीं करती? ये आप जानते हैं?
वे - नहीं, कहती मूड नहीं और मैं ज़ोर नहीं डालता |
मैं - आपको क्या मन करता है?
वे - अब मैं इस पर क्या ही बोलूं? सेक्स की इच्छा तो होती ही है |
मैं - तो आप मानते हैं की ज़रूरी है?
वे - हाँ वो तो है ही |
मैं - और आपको लगता है, कि इस विषय में आपका अपनी पत्नी से बात करना उचित और ज़रूरी नहीं है?
वे - शायद तुम ठीक कह रही हो | मुझे तो ये भी नहीं पता कि उसे 15 साल बाद पसंद क्या है?
मैं - अब अगर मैंने सेक्स की बात अपनी वाल पर, या व्हाट्सप्प पर नहीं की होती, तो क्या आपको पता चलता कि एसेक्सुअलिटी (asexuality) नाम की कोई चीज़ भी है? या कि आपको अपनी पत्नी की पसंद - नापसंद भी नहीं पता - क्या आप ये जान पाते?

सवाल यह है कि वह कौन से मुद्दे हैं जिन्हें हम सुलझाना तो चाहते हैं, मगर जिनके बारे में हम बात नहीं करना चाहते, जिनके बारे में हमें संवाद करना और विमर्श करना कोई सिखाता नहीं ? इन मुद्दों में से सवाल सेक्स के इर्द-गिर्द घूमते हैं चाहे वह शादी में पति-पत्नी के बीच बनने वाला यौन संबंध हो, या वह जबरदस्ती किया गया किसी का बलात्कार, या यौन कुंठा ओं के बारे में के बारे में किसी से बात ना कर पाने की लाचारी, और या फिर प्यार और सेक्स में फर्क न कर पाने से पैदा हुयी उलझन |

ये सारे ही सवाल ऐसे हैं, जिनके कोई सीधे जवाब हैं ही नहीं | इन सभी सवालों से हो कर गुजरने वाले रास्ते और गलियां भूल भुलईंया जैसे लग सकते हैं | और इन पहेलियों को सुलझाने का एक ही तरीका है - लगातार संवाद | जब हर स्तर पर संवाद संभव होगा,तभी इन सवालों के बहुमुखी जवाब भी मिलेंगे |

© Anupama Garg 2019

Friday, 13 September 2019

असुविधाजनक बातें - भाग 1

सवाल ये नहीं है कि मुद्दा क्या है? सवाल ये है कि विमर्श कैसा हो? संवाद कैसा हो?

मुझे नहीं मालूम कि हम में से कितने लोग वास्तव में रेप की बात करना चाहते हैं, और कितने लोगों को रेप के बारे में बात करना सिर्फ कूल लगता है | मुझे यह भी नहीं मालूम कि कितने लोगों को रेप के बारे में सिर्फ इसलिए बात करनी होती है क्योंकि बलात्कार के बारे में बात करना जरूरी है, या इसलिये क्योंकि उनके आसपास हर कोई बलात्कार के बारे में बात करता है और क्योंकि उन्हें एक सोशल स्ट्रक्चर में फिट होना है | 

लेकिन मुझे यह जरूर मालूम है कि बलात्कार जैसे मुद्दों के बारे में जितना कैजुअली हम लोग बात करते हैं उतने कैज़ुअल ये मुद्दे है नहीं | इन मुद्दों की गंभीरता को सिर्फ सजा देने भर से एड्रेस नहीं किया जा सकता | इन मुद्दों को एड्रेस करने के लिए यह जरूरी है कि इनके बारे में गंभीरता से विमर्श हो | इस विमर्श में ये ढूंढने की कोशिश की जाए कि आखिर बलात्कारी मानसिकता कैसी है ? वह क्या है जो किसी पुरुष, या किसी स्त्री को अपनी इच्छा दूसरे पर थोपने के लिए मजबूर कर देता है?

कहीं ऐसा तो नहीं कि हम यह भूल जा रहे हैं कि बलात्कार पुरुष का भी हो सकता है ? कहीं ऐसा तो नहीं कि हम बलात्कार जैसे मुद्दों की आड़ में कुछ दूसरे सवाल नजरअंदाज कर रहे हों ? कुछ ऐसे मुद्दे जिन्हें समझाने का कोई तरीका हमें नहीं आता, संवाद से जुड़े मुद्दे, जिनमें बात करनी पड़े ऐसे मुद्दे, जिनमें अपना आडम्बर छोड़ कर, अपना झूठ छोड़ कर, अपनी ज़िम्मेदारी उठानी पड़े, जिनमें सामने वाले को समझना पड़े - कहीं ऐसे मुद्दों को न एड्रेस कर पाने का नतीजा तो नहीं, कि कोई भी मुद्दा हो, हम विमर्श कर ही नहीं पाते ? कहीं ऐसा तो नहीं कि 'बलात्कार' 'बलात्कार' चिल्लाने से, नारे लगाने से, हमें जो ऊपरी संतुष्टि मिलती है, उसी संतुष्टि तक हमारी सोच सीमित है?

सवाल ये नहीं है कि मुद्दा क्या है? सवाल ये है कि विमर्श कैसा हो? संवाद कैसा हो?

© Anupama Garg 

Thursday, 19 April 2018

Songs and Windows - Sanwaar Loon



After a long time, there’s a contemporary song that makes me tap my feet to it. It almost makes me dance in my chair as my typing speed increases on its own. The playfulness, the snippets of the story, the snippets of the conversation in the original video almost makes one crave it.

Unlike the stereotypical zero-figure model-type actresses, here we have a full-bodied, curvy lady who can make us go ‘pak-paka-pak-pa-pa’ as the song plays. I am looking at so many dance performances on the song and all I see is folk dances, and such convention pepped up by the so-called contemporary. On the other hand, the song reminds me of of the legends of the industry. In fact, funny as it is this song reminds me of:

  • Kanchi re
  • Khil rahi hai kali kali
  • Maine poochha chand se ki dekha hai kahin?

And even,

  • Mera mulk Mera desh
  • Pukarta Chala hun main, to a certain extent.

What is more interesting is that I ran into the song when I was watching coke studio and landed on a youtube video that showed Amit Trivedi’s ‘Sounds of Nation’ performance and heard a brief snippet of the song by the choir. Result – I deep dive and hunt for the song and it wasn’t too much effort to be honest.

Result, I have Sonakshi Sinha on loop for three days now. Just like the old times when I used to record audio cassettes on the tape recorder during 12:00 pm to 1:00 pm as old songs played on Jaipur Radio. Mom used to love the show and I enjoyed her humming. Now that I think of it I was not as fond of the show as I was of my mom moving around our one-room home and humming and occasionally smiling at me as I recorded cassettes after cassettes, sitting on the side window slab.







Today if you ask me that window slab was the one unique feature of that small home which forms 25 years of my memories. A perfect spot for mom to sit and look out for dad in the evenings after putting me to sleep and having finished cooking. A perfect spot for us kids to sit and watch funeral pre-preps and the lifting of the dead body in the open area, when an old neighbour died.

Sometimes I wonder how just 11 years of being in Delhi and 9 years of being in a different home in a different area has faded my memories that were so strong at one point that I seemed to almost want rid of them.

That perfect spot that hosted our computer accessories till the computer was in that room, rather than our rented room. That perfect spot seems to have faded from my memories. I crave for those memories at some level and this song seemed to invoke those memories, all of them. At some deeper level the song triggered more responses in me than I had imagined.



It looked something like this:



Now, I almost crave to go back there, for us to be young again, for me to watch my mom move around the household, for me to identify her by the sound of her anklets. I mean she still walks the same way, still wears the same kind of anklets but she moves slowly and softly. The house is larger so the sounds of the anklet bells are softer.

Similarly, I would give anything to trade for the times when we would wait for dad to return and we wouldn’t be waiting for him waiting at the door but instead at the window from the perfect spot. He wouldn’t ring the doorbell but instead we would rush off to him yelling ‘papa aa gaye’ (Dad’s home).

All we had to do to call my brother from his playground, was yell at the top of our voice and someone or the other in the ‘mohalla’ would listen to it and within 3 minutes he’d be home. There were no mobile phones and no need for them either. Oh, I am not saying by any means that they are not needed or shouldn’t exist. Just that we belong to a generation where we didn’t need them at one point in our lives.

I crave for how the youngest one and I would create drawings sitting in the sun in the windows, just outside the perfect spot. Oh, the perfect spot was our window not just out of the home but also inwards. That window has impacted more than I can imagine apparently. It’s only in retrospect do I realize the amount and the intensity of the impact on our lives. I am planning to discuss with my brothers if they feel the same way About the window or did I hog all the space, including theirs too. Sometimes I wish there was so much I could do differently about my childhood but that’s a subject for a different post.

Tab tak ke liye, wo khidki nahi to uski yaad sahi. Yadon ki khidkiya sundar lagti hain mujhe.


© Anupama 2018

Thursday, 2 July 2015

10 Aphrodisiacs for My Orgasms

1. Books

I love them!! They're orgasmic ! And this, only a book lover can understand. They come in all shapes, sizes, colors, genres, price ranges... and each of them tickles the grey cells that make me step into a different world.
They make me wonder about the world, about myself, about people, about life, about every thing the written word can communicate and about everything that it can't ! They have been the first love of my life and I wonder if I'll ever break up with them??

2. Music
All sorts, except western. Folk, Bollywood, Classical, Rabindra Sangeet, instrumental, vocal, devotional, sufi,everything and anything is a mind-shattering experience. And if I understand the lyrics it's even better!

It's interesting how instant a turn off can western music be for me, unless it's an exceptionally soft romantics from the likes of the Titanic. So THIS one is actually what my psychoemotional orgasmic states can vary because of.

3. Erotica
Does this come as a surprise. I'm sorry if I shocked you, but I'm not sorry to list this one here. However, please know that this is not the same as a porn flick. I am talking once again, my dear reader, of the written word - I am talking of the written erotica !

I am by no means talking of the sleazy Savita Bhabhi or the Mast Ram (never read them beyond a borrowed book or two), and nor am I talking of the graphic descriptions of what they publish on 100s of porn sites. I am talking of the classy sensual, control and D/s oriented well-written erotic literature.
Not the steaming creampie stories, but the mild love making combined with age difference, leadership, submission and a lot more.

4. Pain
Now this one's a little complicated. This is about what makes me who I am. I have ever since enjoyed masochism of an intellectual sort. No, am not talking of the pain that I felt when my brother was critical. That was sheer misery!

Do not please mistake me! As anal as I am about my word choice, I do NOT enjoy misery at all, but pain. And this emotional craving for pain makes me fall into bad relationships, because most 'good' men cannot relate with this need in a woman. More so, when it manifests further in the physicality it's easy for any man to get freaked out.

But what you really have to understand is that I acknowledge this desire and I would never EVER in my dreams thinking of imposing it on a non-consenting person in a non-consensual manner. There is a lot more that can be said on this, but I think I'll digress if I don't move on to the next one.

5 .Friendships and Extended Kinship

Intellectual masturbation is so much fun !! More so when it's with people who reciprocate with full vigour. Further, intellectual masturbation is fun only when  people do it without a malicious intent. It is fun only if it is for the genuine and loving reasons.

And that my friend can only happen when you connect with people to be friends, to be their kin, to be their extended family, without an ulterior motive of your own. It is possible when you really love them and relate with them.

And blessed I am with so many wonderful people in my life that this thrill of connecting with people who love, share and want to be loved back is something that gives me a solid high.


6. Food - eaten with others
I am a vegetarian and much as I deny it, the fact is that I am a foodie! But I can't eat alone. I can feed myself if I'm hungry, but I don't nourish over food I can't share. A few shared morsels are good enough for my spirits (my body needs what it does), but even a plateful can sit there in my fridge for almost a week, should I have to eat alone.

And when it comes to sharing, I share it with anyone / everyone I can strike up a conversation with. My tastebuds tickled well are certainly a path for a good sleep and in turn my happy moods.

7. A thorough head massage

Warm oil, a heavy hand, preferably a masculine hand, or that of someone like a hefty / well built / tall friend, or the hand of family / extended family; is exotic. It is extremely soothing, relaxing and yet so powerfully arousing in its own way.

Not all arousal / orgasm has to necessarily manifest into cumming and trust me, this one doesn't. But the bliss after it's over is no different. It may not be about bodily fluids, but the energy, exchange is no different.


8. Work

Another aphrodisiac, specially and more so because it can really take you to a different world. A world of reality which is as surreal as a subspace after pain. It is one of those worlds that cause you to crib, enjoy the thrill, the passion, the work, all and everything at the same time.

This however at times, takes a toll on my emotional and mental well being more so when the pressure is high. But since work for its own sake is what my driving factor has always been, I work happily.

What it means is that, whether I'm paid less or more, I will usually put in my 100 percent or rather 150 % (if I'm acknowledged properly), irrespective of what I'm paid for the job. If I'm dissatisfied about everything, I'll simply quit and not be there suffering myself or making others suffer.

But the fact is that at most times, when I'm at work, I'm in that trance like state where I do not want to think anything else and when I leave from work, I will not leave it behind, because pondering over work, gives me a very different sort of a thrill - a thrill that's almost orgasmic!


9. Creating art with Hands

Creating art with hands is divine! Thanks to the upbringing I received, doing one or the other art and craft hobby class every year, I can color, I can paint a little, I can paint cloth, I can embroid, make costume jewelry, knit, sew a little, quill, write, make stuffed toys, puppets, cards and what nots.

And believe me if you will, the thrill is divine! Intoxicating, exhilarating, liberating, meditative. It is as good as any other of the factors listed above.


10. Writing Poetry

Did I tell you that this one is not about an orgasm but about survival? Well, I did, didn't I? Please say I did !!! (Pouts* )

Well poetry is existential for me. It is my essence and my existence. And by this I mean poetry as a form of expression for me. I have to write poetry to survive. I can miss out on orgasms, but not on oxygen. And a writer's block actually suffocates me, kills me inside, makes me dead and hollow.

Poetry heals, enlivens, keeps me alive, makes me survive AND gives me mind shattering orgasms!! Erotic Poetry even leads me to physical ones! And of course you can't have an orgasm unless you breathe.

Enough about my aphrodisiacs, tell me what are yours? Pretty please !


©Anupama Garg 2015 July

Thursday, 19 March 2015

Ceramic mended with gold - The Kintsugi of your soul

So finally I managed to write it, thanks to a friend who posted it on facebook as his status. The Japanese art of mending broken pots and bowls with gold is a symbolic representation of people who mend their lives after bring broken to pieces.

The most skillful master is the one who can join the finest shards with perfection. And how true that is! The wisest of the people is one who can rise as a phoenix from ashes, wear the scars as badges of honor and trust me, I could think of endless other similes.

But the question, I want to really share and ponder upon with you, is the why?

Why should there be a need to mend yourself, why should there be a need to even feel broken? Why should there be a need to break for anyone.

And then I think of the reason. What needs to be done is just be.

Kinstugi - the art that makes even scars precious and beautiful


Being broken is a part of surviving. Being able to mend the broken self is a part of being alive. But being mend clay with gold is moving towards immortality. Slowly, steadily, but consistently....

©Anupama Garg 2015 March

Saturday, 14 February 2015

All that I want to write about myself

Ok, so I have finally decided that I do need to write more frequently and more regularly. How and what to write is something I'm still not sure about. But then memes are always a good way to begin writing anything that you want to know more.

And at this moment I want to know more about myself. I am going to explore myself and write more about me, irrespective of the fact that some people might think of myself as narcissistic. So the following are a few Memes I'll write :

  1. 10 things I like / love
  2. 10 things I totally dislike
  3. 10 books that changed my life
  4. 10 people who influenced my life deeply
  5. 10 movies I totally loved
  6. 10 songs that moved me
  7. 10 hobbies I have so far indulged in
  8. 10 dilemmas of my life
  9. 10 things people do not understand about me
  10. 10 most obvious facts about me
  11. 10 things very few people know about me (very few close people)
  12. 10 things I crave for but won't have in most likelihood
  13. 10 'never say nevers' of my life
  14. 10 things I love in myself
  15. 10 things people say they love in me
  16. 10 things I would like to change in my life
  17. 10 things I wish had never discovered.
  18. 10 houses I've lived in
  19. 10 strongly positive memories in my life
  20. 10 strongly negative memories in my life
  21. 10 people I worked with and still remember
  22. 10 reasons why I write
  23. 10 Reasons I haven't been home in last 2 years
  24. 10 reasons I am who I am
  25. 10 things I love about my current job
  26. 10 things I do not love about my current job
  27. 10 things I'd like to change in the world
  28. 10 wishes if I were granted
  29. 10 things I'd pray for
  30. 10 friends who became extended family
  31. 10 lessons I learnt the hard way
  32. 10 ways I tested my parents' patience
  33. 10 sacrifices my parents and siblings made for me
  34. 10 actions I wish I had never done
  35. 10 people I'd like to say a sorry to
  36. 10 blessings I've counted 
  37. 10 people I'd like to say a thank you to
  38. 10 things I'm scared of
  39. 10 experiences that changed me deeper than I knew
  40. 10 Things I would never want to change in my life.

And then I'm sure you'll come up with more suggestions.

For now, stay tuned.... for I'm posting this while I am on a self-destructively workoholic trip.

©Anupama Garg 2015 February

Monday, 24 November 2014

We write to taste life twice

Anais Nin - "We write to taste life twice..."

I've been thinking about what Anais Nin has to say about writing. I like what she says about writing as breathing, singing and what not. And in particular I love this one.


"We Write to Taste Life Twice"


And this makes me realize that I write because I want to live. And to truly live is to taste life twice. To truly live is to truly love and to love is to taste the feeling again.

I learnt very early about the five senses - we all do. The sense of touch, sight, smell, hearing, taste. And some of us are lucky enough for parents, teachers, mentors, lovers etc. to teach us before we grow up that the sixth sense is a combination of all five and much more.

And when I learnt writing, I realized that I was using at least one or two senses in describing anything or any incident that I was reliving. But then this use of senses while writing wasn't planned, it wasn't intentional either. It was more with a thought of bringing to memory the one thing that made the strongest impression on my mind. And then describing it would make me feel like that incident was alive again and the object or the person was right there.

I was almost 27 when I first learnt that the more senses you use when you write, the more alive the writing is. It was a learning because a teacher taught me that. I started using the tool and noticed the change. It's true.

And the more I did of it while writing poetry and while writing memoirs, the more alive my poetry became. Did it become more alive because I used the right tools? OR did it actually become more alive because the tools helped me relive and retaste my life again?

I now believe that the latter holds more truth than the former. And with that said, We do write to taste life twice. And I enjoy tasting it again and again so I read and re-read as well :)


© Anupama Garg



Saturday, 22 November 2014

Anupama who are you ?

So someone asked me today - who are you? What do you want? What is it that makes you - you?

And while I tried to give them the usual answers that I often do, I kept wondering, all through the process of this question - who I am exactly.

Of course, since I refuse to indulge in jargon, I wondered. Am I the child prodigy who I was? Or the loved daughter in the top left corner of this collage? A beloved sister of my brothers and an endless number of other brothers and sisters who call me didi and really mean it?

Am I this person who lives to read and write as in the bottom right or the professional in the top right or centre left from top? Am I this lost creature who sometimes just loves to stare the green or the one who travels in an auto to make sure that I can earn baubles enough to continue with the drudgery that we call life?

Am I my ambitions, my unrealized future or my realized, celebrated past? And trust me these pictures are all relatively new ones, not the typical childhood pics, not even one of them. When I glanced through just these, I had a myriad of emotions surging within me. Am I that surge?

The question has been answered to the person who asked it, but the question has risen once again within me. I lack the dedication and energy and consistent discipline to unleash  the potential within me. I'm scared of myself. I'm not sure what will happen if I find out who I am.

But I've always had this craving of finding out and may this craving continue.

Lord,
Help me find who I am.
For some claim,
I'm the Brahman,
Aham Brahmasmi.
Others claim neti - neti for you,
and then that I am a speck of who you are.
Help me find for myself,
who I am,
who I might be.
But more than anything,
help me not make a cult of it.

Amen!

© Anupama Garg

Thursday, 20 November 2014

Art and me - Filling blank spaces through jewelry

I was young when my parents exposed me to art. Art in all those forms that they had an access to, as a lower - middle - class - single - member - earning couple. But one thing that they had very different from a lot of other parents (their contemporaries and mine too, many more before them and those yet to come as well) was clarity.

My dad knew that the reason behind me joining at least one hobby course every summer was not to make me the marriageable material who knows stitching, sewing, painting, making some stuff toys and puppets, garlands and what not. The main objective was to channelize the whole lot of energy I had left in me, after I studied, played around, read and sang and everything else that I did.

It was till almost the 16th year of my age that this trend continued. And then it stopped, stayed as such for almost a decade, before I started learning artsy stuff again. And the rebound happened with beading and jewelry making. Here are the images of something I made a long while ago.

Now, the idea was not to show off what I made, the idea was to share why do I even make jewelery. True, I started with the intention that I wanted to wear the jewelry, then for some time it was get applause, then it was to generate revenue as well.


Given, last three years I haven't made much, and I am no longer too keen on it either. But then, here's what I really wanted to write about:

Why does any form of art appeal to me? Why did I continue dabbling in jewelry? Why did I (unlike professionals), not design the jewelry first and instead buy the material before and then assemble it later?

It took me some introspection and some serious thought before I found the answer. It was so obvious that it was almost invisible. I do this because I want to fill spaces.

It's no longer about channelizing energy any more, I know ten other things that I can do for that. It is now about filling those blank spaces in my head which get engrossed in color sequencing, bead sequencing, making sure of the knots and the locks.

It is a semi-meditative state of mind, whenever it happens (it rarely does now, my material is at home and I am in Delhi) and whenever I do it alone; It is an enjoyable time shared with mom, if and when we do it together, rarely now as it is.

I'm working on finding a substitute to beading, quilling, making cards and a lot more now. Or maybe I'll simply restart all of that again. The blank spaces are growing in size again.

But till then I'll leave you to think about what is it that fills your blank spaces? :)


© Anupama Garg

p.s. I removed the images for my blog is penalized for some wiered reason


Monday, 17 November 2014

To be or not to be !

Hi ! I am Anupama!

This is my usual introduction. But the obvious question is  - Anupama who? Anupama Garg?

The daughter of my parents and the sister of my brothers? Or the professional who works at an X designation with Company Y?

Who exactly am I?

No, my friends. To those,of you who know of my philosophical inclinations,  no I am not trying to answer an existential question here. I am simply trying to discover all those facets in my personality that you have discovered in me, that I have discovered in myself and that are yet to be discovered.

Am I the poetess yet to be published? Am I the woman who lives to write and writes to live? Am I the professional who does almost everything else for living apart from what I do to live?

I am all of these and yet none of them. And I wonder what else is there for me to figure out? A lot of it apparently. My ticks, my turn offs, my preferences, my thought process, my likes, dislikes, pet peeves and what not.

Some of you don't know me yet, might think of this as a narcissist trying to get some attention, but trust me, I'm not.

The reason why I started this blog is to trace my journey and share it with everyone whom I know (or don't) and who is interested in this journey.

The reason is (as some of you know), that when I look deep inside me, I also know you and when I know you, I also discover myself. If I am the Brahman (Aham Brahmasmi) and if this is true for every existing soul, then you're Brahman too. QED.

The reason to explore however, is that I want find the purpose of my existence, the purpose that constantly changes. The purpose that is always the elusive truth.

And if at all I succeed in finding that purpose, I'd then like to embark on the journey with you, to decide whether or not I should be the object to fulfill that purpose.

I know I will continue getting your help, your unconditional love, support and affection as I always have; in this journey where I will hopefully be able to decide...."To be or not to be"

© Anupama Garg