Saturday 10 July 2021

Dare not clip my wings

'Don't be gendered!'
'Not All n3m!'
'I'm a humanist, not a feminist.'
'You're turning into a Feminazi.'
'I was just kidding.'

How about - Don't tell me what to think, how to feel, how to act, unless I invite your entitled and intrusive opinion?

How about - Do not tell me who to be, unless my existence is 'harming' you, yours, or other humans?

How about - Leave my space if you do not like the sheer amount of self-work I put in to reach a point where I can speak my boundaries clearly?

How about - Do not assume my consent, just because I am nice?

How about - keep your labels to yourself and shove them up where they belong!

No, you were not kidding. Let me explain to you. Won3m have been conditioned for centuries, and ever since in living memory, to play it small. to behave like docile little doves, like mothers, like 'easy', like prudes, like uptights, like sluts. 100s of lables - moody, tantrum-throwing, drama queen, husband-beater, and what not have been attached to them. What you (n3m) actually have been using these lables is for clipping our wings, and justifying your juvenile behaviour.

You weren't called out for so many years, decades, generations. Today you're being called out, and you don't like it. I understand it, but you really need to take it gracefully. Not because there's a vendetta, but because I will be who I will be, not necessarily in sync with who YOU want me to be.

The thing is, my deal n3mfolk, is simple.

1. I tell you not to respond to me a certain way, you stop!
2. I tell you not to hug me a certain way, you stop.
3. I tell you I want to sleep in my bed, and not share yours, you fucking listen!

Nope! No don't speak that stuff about - oh but a relationship is supposed to be both ways. Maybe. You state your needs. I state mine. If they are compatible we proceed, if I tell you a 'no' don't negotiate. OK? If you're that sort of a man, I might consider your consent just as equal as that of mine.

On the contrary, don't treat me like a little dove, who is getting detatched from this world too much too soon. If I am doing so, it's my prerogative, it's my right.

Do not manspread. Just because I share my number with you, doesn't mean I want to talk to you randomly. Just because I say a gentle 'I love you' to you, I do not want you to 'manspread into my bedroom, or in my physical space, I do not want you to crawl into my inbox. Just because I invite you over for the lunch, doesn't mean I want you to invite you to hook up with me.

Won3m, do not let them convince you, argue with you, debate with you. You do not have to get into debates about your choices as long as you're not harming them. You do not have to live by their standards. Tell them 'no' as much as you feel like. You do not have to listen to their understanding of your heart, or your mind. You have to listen to YOUR understanding of it.

You do not have to clip your wings just because it's convenient (you might still do so). You do not have to tell other won3m, that it is not right to feel like you want to spend your life by yourself. You do not have to tell other won3m that they shouldn't feel sad. You do not have to set a pity party. Do not victimize other won3m, do not victim shame them, but do not pity them either please. 


At least not with me.

I will not allow anyone to clip my wings, to convince me how I should conduct my personal life or my business (specially when I do not intrude their boundaries, when I do not harm them or their loved ones or even others in general, when I do not bully anyone). However, you intrude my space once! Just once, I have had it. I will pour fire, rain acid, and lash my tongue at you with so much caustic, that you won't even know what hit you.

Get it? Good. Don't get it? Good anyway!


#चेतो_दर्पण_मार्जनम्_अनुपमा - Musings Post  10 - 10.07.2021 

Friday 9 July 2021

July 2021 - Post 9 - प्रेम होगा तो क्या होगा

पहले तो समझ लो कि अधिकतर प्रेम होगा ही नहीं। कुछ देखोगे तुम कुछ लोगों के बीच घटते हुए।  उसे प्रेम समझोगे।  फिर चाहोगे कि  तुम्हारे साथ भी घटित हो  वो। जब नहीं घटित होगा तो तुम उसके पीछे पीछे दौड़ोगे।  लेकिन वो तो रेस है, वो प्रेम कहाँ है?  तुमसे प्रेम करने के लिए तुम्ह पर बंदिशें लगायी जाएँगी, तुम्हें लालच दिया जायेगा, तुम्हें बदलने को कहा जायेगा।  तुम सब करोगे।  लेकिन ये तो शर्तिया व्यापार है, प्रेम कहाँ है? तुम प्रेम करोगे बिना लाग लपेट के, तो तुम्हें बेवकूफ या झूठा समझा, दिखाया, और महसूस करवाया जायेगा।  और क्योंकि तुम प्रेम चाहते हो बदले में, तो तुम उनकी राय खुद पर हावी भी होने दोगे।  बदले में तुम्हें जो मिलेगा, वो तो विनिमय है, वो प्रेम कहाँ है? एक बात ज़रूर होगी।  तुम, जो कि प्रेम करने और पाने निकले थे, स्वयं से ज़रूर प्रेम करना बंद कर दोगे, कि अब तुम बदल गए होंगे।  सो, प्रेम मिला भी नहीं, और  तुमने खो जाने भी दिया।  ये तो प्रेम नहीं है।  तो फिर, जब वाकई प्रेम होगा तब क्या होगा ?


#चेतो_दर्पण_मार्जनम्_अनुपमा - Musings Post  9 - 09.07.2021

Thursday 8 July 2021

July 2021 - Post 8 - Giving without losing yourself - 2

Continuing with a lot of difficulty from yesterday, the second part of the subject statement was 'without losing yourself'. This one is the tricky part. Like I shared above, I considered boundaries. However, I also considered about the question of - what really is the 'self'? So, when we say we do not want to lose ourselves, what is it that we do not want to lose - The body, the Mind, the Possessions, my personality, the traits in me which I embrace, or those in me which I run away from.

What of the times when I want to give someone something, but I do not like them otherwise? So, I find it equally disturbing to not give to them. Should I at such times, give, or not give? Would I be then losing myself, or not?

What would it mean to lose myself really?

I don't think there is anything like losing yourself really. In truth one is always lost. In the imagination of what is it like to 'give'. But, if one does indeed find oneself, then one cannot give anymore. One doesn't become either. Then one simply is. If you just are, and if the so-called receiver just is, where is the boundary, where is the losing, or the holding back really?

OK, I can't keep up with this thought anymore, so I will revisit it at some point perhaps. Till then thanks for the topic suggestion Elizabeth. It brought about some much needed inwards journey that has triggered a lot of other thoughts. On that note, till the next time.

#चेतो_दर्पण_मार्जनम्_अनुपमा - Musings Post  8 - 08.07.2021

Wednesday 7 July 2021

July 2021 - Post 7 - Giving without losing yourself - 1

I am avoiding. I am running away. Not just from myself, but from everyone else and everything else as well. I am cranky, I want to eat, drink, be merry, not have a worry in the world. I am torn apart by the knowledge that I know these indulgences aren't really my thing either. They worry me, never because of health reasons, but because the restlessness that got me to talk to Swami Shyama Chaitanya Ji, is now changing shape.

The anger, is now turning to tiredness, and then lack of resolve, and then desparation. Loneliness gnaws me when I try to quietly sit and watch. My watching happens through this journal. The moment I watch deeply enough, I start feeling tired. My body starts fidgeting, and I want to run away. Till yesterday I was calling it intellectual withdrawl. Today, I am calling it the writers' block.

As a result, I went to FB today and asked for writing ideas. While some good ones came up, one stood out. Chaitanya Nagar asked me if writer's block is real or it's just a name for something we don't quite understand? I think a few weeks ago I would be upset that he's trying to analyze me from J Krishnamurti perspective again, as he so often seems to be doing. However, today I didn't feel any resistance. My response was - I think any sort of block is just a name for something we do not understand (for whatever reasons) or do not want to accept. And I didn't have any troubles admitting to myself that I am running away. Maybe in observing this escape I will find the key!

So anyway, I picked up one of the topics that were suggested - Giving without losing yourself. I started writing and got tired again. So here goes part 1:

I had hit writer's block. In the middle of a long process that I am doing. I needed a break and requested for topics and got this one along with a few others.

My initial instinct about this topic was to think of boundaries. You can give without losing yourself if you can establish clear boundaries. However, on second thought, I am wondering. What really is giving? Does one really give? What does the act of giving even mean? Is it about sitting at a higher pedestal and doing charity? Is it about one side of a transaction? Is it about doing something, so that in return you receive something you need or want?

I was reading an article on medium today and it said people do favours to you to lure you into their toxic traps. It said people also ask favours in order to be liked by you. You see the human mind is wired in a way that receiving makes you feel obliged (which means now you must like the person). On the other hand, giving is an act that the brain equates with liking the person that you're giving something to. You like them, and that's why you must be doing them a favour, right?

I was reading something else too. I read a post by @Himanshu Kumar about Ashok Bhai and Lata Ben. I have pasted the link in the first comment for those of you who can read Hindi. What would it take for someone to do so much for others, and get whatever they were offered in return? When I read about Ashok Bhai, Lata Ben, Contractor Didi, Fr. Stan Swamy and the likes, I wonder if they knew they were giving?

Is a giver someone who does it because that's how their core is designed? If they do, then do they crib when they don't get anything in return? Even acknowledgement? Are they taken for granted?

So let me put it this way - I was suggested a topic to write, because I requested for ideas, as a favour. Now instead of actually writing how I feel about it, or what I think about it, I am busy coming up with more questions, some answered, others not.

But one thing that I can clearly see is this - In giving there is contribution, Liz (Elizabeth Merill I am taking the liberty to address you so, please suggest if you would prefer otherwise). No matter what we do, there is contribution happening, there is 'giving' happening, whether we acknowledge it or not. So, the fact that I asked a question on facebook, reflects that I wanted to 'give' myself the chance to benefit from the thoughts of others. It also means that unwittingly some people were given the chance 'by me, by the universe, by coincidence' to contribute to my life in this moment. I 'received this contribution, and I am now 'giving back' this write up.

The key however, is for me to remain humble. To accept that I am not necerssarily 'giving' something. I am sharing, contributing, whatever other phrase. Because in sharing there is pleasure, the joy multiplies, no one is left out, no one is burnt out. So, maybe giving as a verb needs to be replaced by sharing!

#चेतो_दर्पण_मार्जनम्_अनुपमा - Musings Post  7 - 07.07.2021

Tuesday 6 July 2021

July 2021 - Post 6 - Sickness

Addictions, predilections, temptations, distractions, are all sicknesses. Does this mean I judge myself for caving in yesterday evening to partying? Or the few times before that? Does that make me weak? Does that make me judgeable? No, if at all, it makes me only human, with an awareness that I can change it if I want. That I will need to put in the hard work. The hard work in avoiding my emotions, my experiences, my cravings, my fears, my loneliness, and all that I deem ugly within. The poet in me will want to demonize or romanticize it all. However, if the rational part of my being starts to observe it quietly, patiently, maybe even gently, like one would sooth a child throwing tantrum, then I would know that nothing is ugly within. That no sickness is to be judged, that seeing the sickness itself means that the process to treat it has begun. So, today I am going to see my upset stomach, my headache, and my symptoms. The symptoms of what happens when you do not patiently listen, and plunge into something with hope, without seeing it for what it is - temptation, a mere distraction.

Today, I am going to allow myself to lose out on what I am trying to recover, and just chant - I'll be fine!

#चेतो_दर्पण_मार्जनम्_अनुपमा - Musings Post  6 - 06.07.2021

Monday 5 July 2021

July 2021 - Post 5 - Simply Documenting

I am chatting with someone who sounds interesting. I have chucked a few out, and am not chatting with any of them any longer. Any old time acquaintances apart from the closest ones, seem to trigger me more than make me aware of what I want or not. Sometimes I wonder if I am desperate for a relationship. Then I also wonder why I want one. Also, if desperation is really wrong. Which takes my thought to whether there is anything really right or wrong? And then I can imagine a person or two frowning at me, talking to me down their noses, because I can't seem to capture what J Krishnamurti says.

I shrug my head and mutter WTF. I am going to chat with this seemingly interesting guy. Let's plan a date, let's discuss some work, let's drink a few cocktails. And before I know, I am deadbeat, drunk, and safely dropped home, triggered at a friend who's staying with me. There are things I cannot say, things I am not allowed to feel, things I do not know how to explain. What does lack of privacy do to me? What does it mean to stay with someone who shared all the space with you, but is neither a bf, nor your brother, and is just a temp flatmate?

There's a lot of anger. There's a lot of frustration, and also either victim mode or else perpetrator mode active. Lots of old-time wounds are also resurfacing. Sometimes I wonder if that's because of how the next few years might reflect for me numerologically? Next I feel it doesn't matter.

For now, running away from my emotions and frustrations on working for a seemingly inefficient client, as it may be, I will go and meet this guy in the evening. And let's see what unfolds.

#चेतो_दर्पण_मार्जनम्_अनुपमा - Musings Post  5 - 05.07.2021

Sunday 4 July 2021

July 2021 - Post 4 - Why do I write?

Last two days I was trying to write for catharsis and I realized all I was doing was babble away! It sounded like random ramblings with no head or tail, despite having themes, so I decided that I will try to journal about themes that are relatively more specific, or themes that are resurfacing for me time and again. There are a few things I have resolved for myself, but there are many others which are pending resolution, and so they keep coming up.

Interestingly it is obvious that I am trying to avoid facing issues that come up, emotions that well up, the fear that scares me, the anger that gnaws at me. In the process of this avoidance, I go out, I party, I consume substances, I binge food, I indulge in movies, or I binge-watch netflix. The truth? I seem to be not doing the only things that I MUST do to be able to face all this - sing, read, introspect, write, fulfill the ritual.

I sit and daydream these days. It feels nice. It scares me, sure. It makes me wonder why I want to do anything that I claim to want to do. If there is really anything that I want to do.

I get triggered at everything in others that I despise in myself. Then I sit and wonder why should I despise these things, whether in others or in me. I surprisingly do not get triggered at things that I was earlier getting triggered by. Then I sit and I wonder again if the triggers have changed or if I have.

I also wonder what  or who really is this I? I am tired already, but I am not going to stop. I will keep thinking and documenting this journey for whatever this journey is.

#चेतो_दर्पण_मार्जनम्_अनुपमा - Musings Post 4- 04.07.2021

Saturday 3 July 2021

July 2021 - Post 3 - The Price of Freedom

 अगर तुम आज़ादी चुनोगी तो शायद अकेली रह जाओगी
तुम्हें इक्का दुक्का लोग समझ पाएंगे
तुम अपनी बात समझने के लिए शायद छटपटाओगी

 लोग तुम्हारा अपमान करेंगे
तुम क्षोभ में उन्हें दूर करोगी, या खुद दूर हो जाओगी

व्यवस्था,  समाज, हज़ार प्रकार के ढाँचे तुम्हारे साथ अन्याय करेंगे
तुम बेड़ियों  में छटपटाओगी
और अगर बेड़ियाँ तोड़ेगी तो असुंदर कहलाओगी

किस्म किस्म के लेबल जब तुम खुद पर से उतार कर
अपनी आज़ादी पर खुद की मिल्कियत जमाओगी
तब अकेलेपन से तुम आज़ादी की कीमत चुकाओगी  

लेकिन याद रखना
चाहे कितना भी अकेला महसूस करो, अकेली होगी नहीं तुम
जेल तोड़ कर, सजा काट कर आज़ाद हुयी
कुछ गिनी-चुनी औरतों की बहन बन जाओगी
और एक दिन इस बहनापे के लेबल से भी मुक्त हो कर
हर मज़लूम के साथ तुम्हारी आवाज़ खड़ी होगी
 उस दिन आखिरकार तुम खुल के मुस्कुराओगी
देह मिटटी हो जाएगी तुम्हारी,
रूह आसमान
और तुम उस दिन, पूरी कायनात की हो जाओगी | 

#चेतो_दर्पण_मार्जनम्_अनुपमा - Musings Post 3- 03.07.2021

Friday 2 July 2021

July 2021 - Post 2 - Early Childhood

A few things that stand out for me from my childhood - Being a child prodigy (no I did not mean the meaning of the word prodigy back then). I remember feeling awkward, I vaguely remember that I hated being touched by anyone except immediate family, my grandmothers, and an older aunt of mine. In retrospect I remember that I was conditioned and trained to not be touched, or hugged, or shown physical gestures of affection by anyone. It took me decades, to become the cuddlebear I am today. Is that good, is that bad, is that energetically safe, I do not know. But I do know that my parents did their best to protect me in a big, bad world where little girls gets molested, children get abused, and so much more.

I am not sure why this aspect of my early childhoood comes to my mind so prominently at this moment, but I have promised that I will try to write for catharsis and to make sense of my own life. I promised someone that I will at least ATTEMPT to write about my journey and my experiences and my explorations, and put it out there if I feel like it; in the hope that someone else might find some value in it. Not from the point of view of validating my thoughts, but from the value of them not feeling alone or lonely in whatever their journey is.

My childhood was loaded to say the least. It was lonely in a very not-so-sad way. It was very evolved in one way, and extremely ignorant and naive in another. However, one thing it most certainly was - It was protected, nurtured, supported. It was spent with parents trying to do their best, and providing us with the best options for our growth and accomplishments. Sometimes I wonder if my brothers feel the same way, sometimes I am sure that they do, and then I remind myself that my job is not to look into the minds of others, but in my own mind.

On a side note I think, if I could discover myself fully, then would I not be able to discover others too as well? In that case, isn't all existence one? But that's food for meditation another day. As it is, last few months, the minds has been super distracted, more than every before. It makes me wonder. Do all minds work so much? Do all people feel the need to think so much, feel so much, analyze so much? Do people pretend to be dumb? Do people take a sort of snobbish pride in being dumb when some of them try to put me down for how my mind works? Is there really something like a normal mind, or a sane mind really?

OK back to track. So, childhood. My childhood was one more thing - full of contradictions, and as a result of my inability to harmonize them, it was also full of conflict, some of it inter-generational in nature. My anger at the unfairness in the world. All my childhood and teenage, and now my adult life, there were a few things I could never bear - unfairness, unjustified (in my opinion) authority, and bullying. For the longest time, I didn't even know my reasons behind them, over decades I have discovered some. Over decades I have also discovered some about how they affect me personally or shape my life. However, over years I have also somehow felt very tired of the process of discovery.

This moment for instance. I have been writing for 15 minutes straight and I am not editing anything. I am not deleting anything that I am writing, I am not changing anything except probably a spelling here or a spelling there. However, when I try to dig deeper into my childhood, my mind tries to create a defence mechanism. It blocks my memories, it makes my physically jittery. It's OK I tell myself, but I feel impatient to write when I think like that. I feel my right foot twitching and I can almost heart a frustrated groan. If feet could speak, eh?

When I try to do exercises like these, specially by myself, when someone else isn't holding the space, it is very difficult, I can sense my body, and my energy differently. I can feel myself and this world and everything around me differently. Is that meditation? I do not know.

Something wierd is happening here. I am usually good at writing in structure, in bullet points, in an organized form. Damn it, I coach people into that skill. Yet, I try to write these musings and despite taking up topics, I ramble everywhere. But so be it, in the hope of the fact that I might perhaps be able to figure out something in this whole chaotic existence.

#चेतो_दर्पण_मार्जनम्_अनुपमा - Musings Post 2- 02.07.2021

Thursday 1 July 2021

July 2021 - Post 1 - Let's Begin


Disclaimer - This series of posts is for my benefit mainly, It has a very selfish motto - to reconcile my understanding of my life, to make sense of it and to honor it, or for that matter to shed it.

This month has import in life. Or maybe it doesn't. But it doesn't matter. What does matter is that people come to your life for various reasons. Relationships happen for a reason, life also happens for a reason. What is the reason tough? What is the purpose though? I do not know.

I am interacting with someone special these days. Their presence in my life is a non-judgemental, reassuring presence. They are not a close friend or family, and there is no romantic interest involved, so obviously it's even more soothing. Think of it like a very reassuring mentor-mentee relationship.

Our exchange on chat / phone call tells me that maybe I am not too far away and off from the line. It also tells me that there is a need for me to deep dive, to make sense of my journey, to make sense of all my explorations. It also reassures me that introspection and making sense of what you have done all this while in your life doesn't have to be necessarily done in a certain structure, but that it helps to have a structure.

Wasn't it structure that I sought when I explored organized religion or even certain spiritual practices? Was I not looking for structure, when I followed a so-called path to education or career? Wasn't structure my primary quest when I tried to pursue relationships, or even my journey into music, sexuality, literature, poetry, writing, or for that matter even social frameworks and interactions?

The real question for me however is - Did I ever really seek structure? Or was I conditioned into it? Was I ever interested in what the world wanted of me, or was my inner need for freedom stronger?

Sometimes I wonder what would it be like to live in someone's mind, who doesn't rebel, who is not restless, who has come to terms with their life. Sometimes I wonder what would it be like to be someone who doesn't feel the need to question much.

Would life then be easier, or would it simply make more sense to keep questioning? Is there a way to change one's core? One's samskara as one might say? Would it matter what level of Samskara you change? Would it vary on the basis of the body you have or the mental framework you might be?

In all honesty, I am simply ranting at the moment. But unless I begin ranting, I will never be able to begin discovery. So, here goes nothing!

#चेतो_दर्पण_मार्जनम्_अनुपमा - Musings Post 1- 01.07.2021