July 2021 - Post 5 - Simply Documenting

I am chatting with someone who sounds interesting. I have chucked a few out, and am not chatting with any of them any longer. Any old time acquaintances apart from the closest ones, seem to trigger me more than make me aware of what I want or not. Sometimes I wonder if I am desperate for a relationship. Then I also wonder why I want one. Also, if desperation is really wrong. Which takes my thought to whether there is anything really right or wrong? And then I can imagine a person or two frowning at me, talking to me down their noses, because I can't seem to capture what J Krishnamurti says.

I shrug my head and mutter WTF. I am going to chat with this seemingly interesting guy. Let's plan a date, let's discuss some work, let's drink a few cocktails. And before I know, I am deadbeat, drunk, and safely dropped home, triggered at a friend who's staying with me. There are things I cannot say, things I am not allowed to feel, things I do not know how to explain. What does lack of privacy do to me? What does it mean to stay with someone who shared all the space with you, but is neither a bf, nor your brother, and is just a temp flatmate?

There's a lot of anger. There's a lot of frustration, and also either victim mode or else perpetrator mode active. Lots of old-time wounds are also resurfacing. Sometimes I wonder if that's because of how the next few years might reflect for me numerologically? Next I feel it doesn't matter.

For now, running away from my emotions and frustrations on working for a seemingly inefficient client, as it may be, I will go and meet this guy in the evening. And let's see what unfolds.

#चेतो_दर्पण_मार्जनम्_अनुपमा - Musings Post  5 - 05.07.2021