Wednesday 7 July 2021

July 2021 - Post 7 - Giving without losing yourself - 1

I am avoiding. I am running away. Not just from myself, but from everyone else and everything else as well. I am cranky, I want to eat, drink, be merry, not have a worry in the world. I am torn apart by the knowledge that I know these indulgences aren't really my thing either. They worry me, never because of health reasons, but because the restlessness that got me to talk to Swami Shyama Chaitanya Ji, is now changing shape.

The anger, is now turning to tiredness, and then lack of resolve, and then desparation. Loneliness gnaws me when I try to quietly sit and watch. My watching happens through this journal. The moment I watch deeply enough, I start feeling tired. My body starts fidgeting, and I want to run away. Till yesterday I was calling it intellectual withdrawl. Today, I am calling it the writers' block.

As a result, I went to FB today and asked for writing ideas. While some good ones came up, one stood out. Chaitanya Nagar asked me if writer's block is real or it's just a name for something we don't quite understand? I think a few weeks ago I would be upset that he's trying to analyze me from J Krishnamurti perspective again, as he so often seems to be doing. However, today I didn't feel any resistance. My response was - I think any sort of block is just a name for something we do not understand (for whatever reasons) or do not want to accept. And I didn't have any troubles admitting to myself that I am running away. Maybe in observing this escape I will find the key!

So anyway, I picked up one of the topics that were suggested - Giving without losing yourself. I started writing and got tired again. So here goes part 1:

I had hit writer's block. In the middle of a long process that I am doing. I needed a break and requested for topics and got this one along with a few others.

My initial instinct about this topic was to think of boundaries. You can give without losing yourself if you can establish clear boundaries. However, on second thought, I am wondering. What really is giving? Does one really give? What does the act of giving even mean? Is it about sitting at a higher pedestal and doing charity? Is it about one side of a transaction? Is it about doing something, so that in return you receive something you need or want?

I was reading an article on medium today and it said people do favours to you to lure you into their toxic traps. It said people also ask favours in order to be liked by you. You see the human mind is wired in a way that receiving makes you feel obliged (which means now you must like the person). On the other hand, giving is an act that the brain equates with liking the person that you're giving something to. You like them, and that's why you must be doing them a favour, right?

I was reading something else too. I read a post by @Himanshu Kumar about Ashok Bhai and Lata Ben. I have pasted the link in the first comment for those of you who can read Hindi. What would it take for someone to do so much for others, and get whatever they were offered in return? When I read about Ashok Bhai, Lata Ben, Contractor Didi, Fr. Stan Swamy and the likes, I wonder if they knew they were giving?

Is a giver someone who does it because that's how their core is designed? If they do, then do they crib when they don't get anything in return? Even acknowledgement? Are they taken for granted?

So let me put it this way - I was suggested a topic to write, because I requested for ideas, as a favour. Now instead of actually writing how I feel about it, or what I think about it, I am busy coming up with more questions, some answered, others not.

But one thing that I can clearly see is this - In giving there is contribution, Liz (Elizabeth Merill I am taking the liberty to address you so, please suggest if you would prefer otherwise). No matter what we do, there is contribution happening, there is 'giving' happening, whether we acknowledge it or not. So, the fact that I asked a question on facebook, reflects that I wanted to 'give' myself the chance to benefit from the thoughts of others. It also means that unwittingly some people were given the chance 'by me, by the universe, by coincidence' to contribute to my life in this moment. I 'received this contribution, and I am now 'giving back' this write up.

The key however, is for me to remain humble. To accept that I am not necerssarily 'giving' something. I am sharing, contributing, whatever other phrase. Because in sharing there is pleasure, the joy multiplies, no one is left out, no one is burnt out. So, maybe giving as a verb needs to be replaced by sharing!

#चेतो_दर्पण_मार्जनम्_अनुपमा - Musings Post  7 - 07.07.2021

No comments:

Post a Comment

Share your thoughts