July 2021 - Post 2 - Early Childhood

A few things that stand out for me from my childhood - Being a child prodigy (no I did not mean the meaning of the word prodigy back then). I remember feeling awkward, I vaguely remember that I hated being touched by anyone except immediate family, my grandmothers, and an older aunt of mine. In retrospect I remember that I was conditioned and trained to not be touched, or hugged, or shown physical gestures of affection by anyone. It took me decades, to become the cuddlebear I am today. Is that good, is that bad, is that energetically safe, I do not know. But I do know that my parents did their best to protect me in a big, bad world where little girls gets molested, children get abused, and so much more.

I am not sure why this aspect of my early childhoood comes to my mind so prominently at this moment, but I have promised that I will try to write for catharsis and to make sense of my own life. I promised someone that I will at least ATTEMPT to write about my journey and my experiences and my explorations, and put it out there if I feel like it; in the hope that someone else might find some value in it. Not from the point of view of validating my thoughts, but from the value of them not feeling alone or lonely in whatever their journey is.

My childhood was loaded to say the least. It was lonely in a very not-so-sad way. It was very evolved in one way, and extremely ignorant and naive in another. However, one thing it most certainly was - It was protected, nurtured, supported. It was spent with parents trying to do their best, and providing us with the best options for our growth and accomplishments. Sometimes I wonder if my brothers feel the same way, sometimes I am sure that they do, and then I remind myself that my job is not to look into the minds of others, but in my own mind.

On a side note I think, if I could discover myself fully, then would I not be able to discover others too as well? In that case, isn't all existence one? But that's food for meditation another day. As it is, last few months, the minds has been super distracted, more than every before. It makes me wonder. Do all minds work so much? Do all people feel the need to think so much, feel so much, analyze so much? Do people pretend to be dumb? Do people take a sort of snobbish pride in being dumb when some of them try to put me down for how my mind works? Is there really something like a normal mind, or a sane mind really?

OK back to track. So, childhood. My childhood was one more thing - full of contradictions, and as a result of my inability to harmonize them, it was also full of conflict, some of it inter-generational in nature. My anger at the unfairness in the world. All my childhood and teenage, and now my adult life, there were a few things I could never bear - unfairness, unjustified (in my opinion) authority, and bullying. For the longest time, I didn't even know my reasons behind them, over decades I have discovered some. Over decades I have also discovered some about how they affect me personally or shape my life. However, over years I have also somehow felt very tired of the process of discovery.

This moment for instance. I have been writing for 15 minutes straight and I am not editing anything. I am not deleting anything that I am writing, I am not changing anything except probably a spelling here or a spelling there. However, when I try to dig deeper into my childhood, my mind tries to create a defence mechanism. It blocks my memories, it makes my physically jittery. It's OK I tell myself, but I feel impatient to write when I think like that. I feel my right foot twitching and I can almost heart a frustrated groan. If feet could speak, eh?

When I try to do exercises like these, specially by myself, when someone else isn't holding the space, it is very difficult, I can sense my body, and my energy differently. I can feel myself and this world and everything around me differently. Is that meditation? I do not know.

Something wierd is happening here. I am usually good at writing in structure, in bullet points, in an organized form. Damn it, I coach people into that skill. Yet, I try to write these musings and despite taking up topics, I ramble everywhere. But so be it, in the hope of the fact that I might perhaps be able to figure out something in this whole chaotic existence.

#चेतो_दर्पण_मार्जनम्_अनुपमा - Musings Post 2- 02.07.2021