July 2021 - Post 4 - Why do I write?

Last two days I was trying to write for catharsis and I realized all I was doing was babble away! It sounded like random ramblings with no head or tail, despite having themes, so I decided that I will try to journal about themes that are relatively more specific, or themes that are resurfacing for me time and again. There are a few things I have resolved for myself, but there are many others which are pending resolution, and so they keep coming up.

Interestingly it is obvious that I am trying to avoid facing issues that come up, emotions that well up, the fear that scares me, the anger that gnaws at me. In the process of this avoidance, I go out, I party, I consume substances, I binge food, I indulge in movies, or I binge-watch netflix. The truth? I seem to be not doing the only things that I MUST do to be able to face all this - sing, read, introspect, write, fulfill the ritual.

I sit and daydream these days. It feels nice. It scares me, sure. It makes me wonder why I want to do anything that I claim to want to do. If there is really anything that I want to do.

I get triggered at everything in others that I despise in myself. Then I sit and wonder why should I despise these things, whether in others or in me. I surprisingly do not get triggered at things that I was earlier getting triggered by. Then I sit and I wonder again if the triggers have changed or if I have.

I also wonder what  or who really is this I? I am tired already, but I am not going to stop. I will keep thinking and documenting this journey for whatever this journey is.

#चेतो_दर्पण_मार्जनम्_अनुपमा - Musings Post 4- 04.07.2021