पिता, तुम !

अपने भरे बालों वाले सर से
तुमने कई बच्चों का माथा छुआया है
अपनी दाढ़ी से तुमने, क्या बच्चों का चेहरा गुदगुदाया है
दाढ़ी खींचते, चश्मा छूते बच्चों को तुमने किलक कर बाँहों में भरा है
तुम्हारा स्नेह सान्निध्य का आकाश है, प्रेम की धरा है |

पिता तुम ही हो, जो मुझे मिले शिक्षक की तरह
पिता तुम ही हो, जो मुझे मिले रक्षक की तरह
अरसे तक ढाल भी तुम ही थे, और  तलवार भी तुम
आसान था ये कहना कि तुमसे कह दूँगी, और ये मानना कि सब ठीक हो जायेगा
और आज, जब मेरी अपनी अलग सोच है, अलग विचार भी
उतना ही आसान है ये कहना भी कि कुछ भी कर दूँगी, तुम साथ रहोगे, सब ठीक हो जायेगा

पिता तुम ही दीखते हो भाई में भी, वो छोटे हैं, तब भी,
तुम्हारी तरंगित, किलकिलाती, शरारती आँखें, जीवंत होती हैं, उनके नक्श नयन में
तुम ही हो पिता, जो कहीं कहीं, हमेशा से झलकते हो,
हम सब की करनी में, हम सब के कहन में 

पिता तुम ही हो, जिसे ढूँढा और पाया मैंने पुरुष मित्रों में
वे तुम नहीं, लेकिन कुछ कुछ तुमसे हैं
विनम्र, मृदुभाषी, पलट के बहस करने वाले भी
हार कर पूरा विमर्श छोड़ने वाले, और
एक इंच ज़मीन विवाद में न देने वाले भी

तुम ही हो, हर दोस्त में, जो कठिनाई में, अँकवार भर साहस फिर से जगाता है
तुम हो, हर उस पुरुष में, जो घने अवसाद के बीच, मन में, जीवन को आलोकित करने की लौ जलाता है
तुम ही हो हर शिक्षक, हर अधिकारी, हर मातहत में भी
तुम ही हो, जो हर जगह कड़े फैसले, नरम दिल और भाषा के साथ दिलाता है

तुम ही हो, जिसके भीतर का पुरुष, मेरे भीतर की स्त्री के साथ
मेरे ही भीतर सहज, स्वाभाविक सहजीवी रूप में रहता है
पिता तुम ही हो, जिसका स्नेह, निश्छल, निर्झर, अग्नि-स्वरुप,
ऊष्म मेरे भीतर, माँ के ममत्त्व के साथ ऊष्ण बहता है

तुम हो पिता जिसकी खोज रहती है, विलग व्यक्तित्त्व के पार भी
वो कैसा पुरुष होगा, जो कर सकेगा मुझे, तुम जैसा स्वीकार भी?
जो सह सकेगा तेज मेरे भीतर की स्त्री का, मेरा मुंडा हुआ सर, और मेरे सारे विचार भी?
वो तुम जैसा होगा पिता,
जो मेरे साथ सजा, सींच सकेगा, सिर्फ अपना घर नहीं, पूरा संसार भी |

और जो न भी हो पाए वो तुम्हारे जैसा, तो कोई हानि नहीं |
क्योंकि कहीं उसके पिता भी होंगे,
और कभी वो भी होगा पिता
समय शायद लगेगा उसे
लेकिन एक दिन, कभी तो
जब पितृ तत्त्व का संधान कर लेगा वो
तो उसमें झलक उठोगे फिर से
पिता, तुम!

© Anupama Garg 2020

Letters of Love 5 - Live the Life You Love

This is a Letter of Love to Myself.

This is my opportunity to remind you that your parents, your siblings, your close family and the best of your friends have always wanted freedom, joy and happiness for you. You have wanted the same for yourself.

You're a brilliant person, a vibrant loving human, a complex puzzle and a simple human. Since the very childhood, you've been a bright spark, a talented speaker, a brilliant student, a poet, a writer, an orator, a singer, a creative hands-on DIYer, and a lot more.

And, you've also been a monster, a cribber, a complainer, a bitch (:D), a whiner, a loser, and / or whatever anyone may have said about you, or you may have said about yourself.

However, over the last few years or so, you've seen the true manifestation of what a human being is all about. You knew it physically first, intuitively next, sexually as well as spiritually around the same time and now you know it intellectually too. You have experienced what it is to think and meditate upon 'Aham Brahmasmi', what is it to get it tattooed on your arm, as well as what it is to experience it first hand.

You've suffered depression, you've experienced intense joy, you've suffered hunger, poverty, insecurity, and also luxury and comfort. You've been through fear, anger, love, insecurity, success, accomplishment and more.

It has been a great life this far and just when you were reaching a bottleneck, the universe opened so much more for you. It has been a life well lived and a life well loved. It has been a life full of people and it will continue to be so.

This letter is as much about what it has been as what it will be about. Life beyond this point will be what it will be. It will be what you manifest, what you create, what you say, it will be. So watch carefully and manifest what you want this life to be.

May this life henceforth continue to be a life that is well lived, a life well loved, a life well fought, a life which throbs with a life of its own. May you experience what being truly alive is, every moment from here.

Most of all, remember...

सुखावसाने इदमेव सारं, दुःखावसाने इदमेव ज्ञेयम्।
देहावसाने इदमेव जाप्यं, गोविन्द दामोदर माधवेति॥

© Anupama 2019

__________________________________________

For those of you, who I promised to post your letters, I am sorry I got too tempted to not forget my own feelings for myself, so I ended up writing this, out of turn. The regular flow should start again today.

Letters of Love 4 - Rosy

Rosy is a vibrant, happy, extroverted person. Had I met her on a casual day on the street, or in a café, I wouldn’t believe that this lady could hesitate in saying anything to anyone. When I facilitated this letter, we talked about a lot of things but kept dancing around the main subject. Knowing her as briefly as I have known her, I knew she will open up slowly, but authentically and beautifully.

Thank you for allowing me to see inside your beautiful heart Rosy and sharing what you shared. I hope some justice to your feelings and thoughts has come through my pen.

____________________________________________________

Dearest Papa,

Honestly, I’m pretty overwhelmed. However, I know you perhaps understand that already. You already know how much effort it takes me to start topics and conversations, specially with you. That said, one has to begin somewhere. So, I’ll begin with the most recent conversation / chat / texts you and I shared. I told you I had a breakthrough with mom, but when you asked me what a breakthrough is, I told you I’ll explain it to you over the next call. That call is still due.

In the meanwhile, this letter is here.

I want to tell you through this letter, that I love you. Deeply, immensely and with a lot of respect and affection. I may not be as expressive of our affection as I want and I may have a thousand explanations for why I am the way I am, but the truth is that I am your daughter.

Since I was a young child, I have watched you from afar. From the hostel, from my room, from the other end of the dining table, I’ve observed you as a strong man. When you lost my first mother, I have no idea how you found strength to think of us. When you loved mummy the way you do, I have no idea, how you found the courage to do so. When you provided for us, despite all failures, relentlessly, I cannot fathom, where you found your unconditional love from.

After all these years, I don’t even think that you were not expressive of your affection. I do not have complaints from you. Truly. I do however, want us to open up something new, something that you and I have never done before. The ability to talk freely and let it flow.

Papa, I know it won’t be easy. You’re a strong man and I am your daughter. You’re a practical man with high values and a fierce sense of responsibility and independence. I’m a daughter who has always sought to make you proud. I know I succeeded. You may not have said it in so many words, but you have shown it. To everyone else. And I am just happy to know that I have made my father proud.

I would love to hear your approval. The way everyone knows you're proud of me, I want to know it too. I want to hear it in your words, I want to hear it from you.

However, I do feel helpless when I can’t just randomly pick my phone up, call you and say that I wanted to check on your fractured arm. I wish I could casually call you and just share what my day was like, hear what yours was like. 

I do not think there is any point wondering what would our relationship be like, if we had…. However, I really, sincerely want our relationship to bloom into what it can be. A relationship of a middle-aged woman with her aged father. A relationship where we can finally, freely say – I love you papa. A relationship, where I can hope to hear you talk and share freely, with no reservations, whatsoever. A relationship, where you can tell me directly - Rosy, I'm proud of you!

As difficult it may be, you and I are a resilient pair papa. We are used to create a lot of value, a lot of success, a lot of beauty from bare minimal resources. You and I have always done that, haven’t we?
 

This letter is an invitation for us to create a very loving, communicative and beautiful relationship together.

I love you papa. I know you love me too. I know you're proud of me as well. Just waiting to hear it from you.

Your loving daughter,

Rosy

© Anupama 2019

Letters of Love 3 - Dear Dr. A

This is my letter of love to Dr. A. Dr. A and my relationship was that of a mentor and a mentee at a given point of time. After so many years, my perception of right and wrong has changed. However, if anything, my emphasis on consent has only increased. This is my letter to Dr. A.

Note - Dr. A is an anonymized name for the person. Any attempts at identifying this person by anyone who reads this, are not my responsibility.

________________________________________________________________________


 Dear Dr. A,

I was barely an adult when we had first met and I had a young girl's crush on you. I have a very strong feeling you knew it too and you used it to motivate me to study harder. You did not exploit that crush, you were very attentive, responsible and empowering as a fully adult man dealing with a teen.

However, at some point, you were upset to discover that I had a similar crush on someone who you thought was absolutely nowhere when compared to you. That is when you first got competitive and wanted to connect with me as a man would want to connect with a woman.

I clearly remember you telling me not to commit to any young man unless I really knew what I was getting into and that they might take me for a ride. However, when you grew competitive with a young man I chose to briefly experiment / explore with, you were willing to take me for a ride :D

For sometime I was upset. For the remaining, I just ignored you.Till we reconnected years later that is. However, your insistence on some or the other sort of physical / sexual intimacy or sexting / or talks didn't wane really.

All said and done, this letter of love is not about making a monster of you and a saint of me :D For the simple reason that you're not a monster. You're a human being. You're a man. You have various other references to contexts about why you behave, the way you behave.

I have written this letter of love to tell you that to me, you're a possibility. A possibility of being connected with people, a possibility of communicating authentically, which I might have done years earlier, had I known how to.

This letter of love is not about who did what and why. We did what we did, when we did it and or whatever reason we did it for. Both you and me.

This letter of love is about the fact that you and I are no longer in touch. We don't necessarily have to really be friends, that's certainly a possibility too :) However, this letter is more for completing what we left incomplete. What I left incomplete was I just gave up on the possibility of you ever getting my perspective. What I left incomplete was that I never trusted you to understand and respect my no. What I gave up on was the hope that you would truly understand my respect, affection without adding a sexual inuendo to it. Today I open up all those possibilities again.

I invite you to a possibility of being connected again. What you choose to do with these possibilities, is for you to choose. I write this letter of love to be free and be who I truly am. A person, a woman, a loving friend, a non-sexualized, non-objectified person.

Welcome to the world of love Dr. A.

Much love,
Anupama

© Anupama 2019

Letters of Love 2 - Ravi Singh

Ravi is a very quiet, but thoughtful person. I recently met him when we were doing some training together. When I conceptualized this project, he was one of the first people who gave me the permission to write a letter on his behalf. In his phone call with me, Ravi shared with so much honesty, the deep love he has for his parents, his wife, his kids, his siblings and their families. I hope this letter does justice to what he wanted to express. It was a privilege hearing him share and write for him.

___________________________________

Dear Mummy, Papa,

This is my letter of love to you.

This is to tell you how much I love you. This is to tell you how much I miss being with you. This letter intends to share very briefly what drifted us apart, but more about what brings us together.

The truth is this – You’re my source and I love you. I am yours just like an apple grows from the seed that allowed itself to be buried deep into the ground. You allowed yourselves to give up on some of your dreams in order to raise the three of us as well as you knew. You allowed us to be stupid and live with some of our stories, because you knew we needed that space. You allowed yourselves to guide us, to care for us and to raise us with love.

I want to tell you that I truly understand you’re human too. And that it is not my place to sit in your judgement. It is not my place to be entitled and ask ‘why?’ or ‘why not’. However, it is certainly my place to give you the love that I withheld from you at a point in time. 

Through this letter, I give you your son back. The son who loved you unconditionally. Through this letter, I give you my word that I will continue to love you and my siblings and my wife and my kids and the whole extended family till I live.

I want to invite you to create more love with all of us. You were the ones who taught me how to love, how to stand for what is right. Today, I ask for your support in standing by my wife’s and kids’ side. Today I ask you to love us all again like you did then.

I might have been stupid and put distance between us, but I do hope that you will help me bridge it. Just like you helped me with Maths problems in childhood, you will also help me with life’s problems. Just like you allowed me to work with you during grocery shopping, or sometimes in the home, you will allow me to work with you in life.

Mummy, Papa, we have spent 10 years away from each other and not one day goes by when I don’t wish that you were here. I want you to know your daughter-in-law. I want you to know your grandchildren. I want them to have the values that only their grandparents can give them. Please allow us all to have that privilege. I am afraid that we may not have endless years together. Why not make the most of what we have?

For the love, which we always will have, please allow us to stay with you. The house doesn’t matter, home does. And our home is incomplete without you both.

Let's love again? Unconditionally? Please?

Your loving son,

Ravi

 © Anupama 2019

Day 6 - About Love - 1

Last few days, love has been on my mind a lot. I have been meeting people, lots of them. Interesting, mostly; engaging with them. However, I have realized that I have met and interacted with so many men by now that I know exactly what kind of a man I want. However, what I call my preferences or likings, people call a checklist. People suggest that I should let go of the checklists and let them go and go with the flow instead.

Every time I try letting go of the checklist, I realize that the other person isn’t good enough for me. Then, when I don’t let go of the checklist, I am not good enough.

Apparently, NOTHING EVER is good enough: D Hence, I go on bitching about pretty much everyone I claim to have loved, family, friends, lovers, even myself; I keep doubting myself. Am I never going to be enough? Am I ever going to be enough?

Is it not enough that I do not judge you or your other partners without a moral compass? Is it not enough that I am always there when you need me, even when I may be dying myself. Is it not enough that I want you to be happy and that I don’t hold you answerable for my well-being? Is it not enough that I don’t hold you responsible for my grief or sadness? Is it not enough for all of us to live and love unconditionally? What more must I do?

However, all of that said, I finally get tired of being in the victim mode and soon stepped out of it. What helped me was binge watching the series of Troy on Netflix.

I see those trying to have, those trying to love, those resisting it and then those who give in to it, even justify it, defend it and go to a war for it. I see a entire full-scale range of emotions and people like Odysseus having to choose between personal love and the larger love for humanity. I see ethics going to hell, I see ethics being lived up to and yet love surviving and dying in the same moment together.
After, all that, in the very last scene, 4 people have survived a LONG war where everyone else has been destroyed, captured, and taken. One of them, a shepherd’s girl hugs a 9 years old child, holds him in her arms and whispers… You’re alive.

In that moment, all my self-doubt has gone away. I realized that it is a blessing to love and to live. It is a blessing to be loved. It's a privilege and not something to be taken for granted. All my illusions about love had gone away and then today I have love speaking to me in silent whispers. Love shows me the glimpses into its true nature occasionally.  Here’s one of those glimpses for you.

It shall always be enough...
An act of kindness,
A smile of joy,
A tear in solidarity,
A morsel shared,
Love, my love, shall always be enough.

There are more that it chooses to reveal and I will write more. Till then, much love to you.

© Anupama 2018

Gratitude Journal Day 11 - 15

Day 11 -

1. The hanger pangs I get, for they help me learn self - control.
2. The spilling of water on some things and hopes I'm really looking forward to, because they make me think about other avenues to things I want to do.
3. The availability of information I have around me because it helps me look inwards and tap the untapped potential
4. The air I breathe for I know I'd otherwise be dead.
5. The cool water I drink when I'm thirsty for without my muscles would ache, my body would eventually die.

Day 12 -

1. Thankful for having a job and enough opportunity to explore different roles.
2. Grateful for having a job that pays me well enough to make both ends meet with ease and comfort and allows me to pay my loans / save / plan.
3. Thankful for staying close to work, and taking so less travel time so I can find more time to invest in work / other constructive activities.
4. Thankful for being able to look reasonably attractive when I smile. Makes people like me wink emoticon
5. The blessing of coffee !!! Keeps so much stress away smile emoticon.

Day 13 -

1. Thankful for strangers who are happy to share families with me.
2. Thankful for family being able to visit me after 2.5 years.
3. Thankful for people who believe in me, my dreams, my passion.
4. For People who push me through my depressed moods, mood swings, lows and highs.
5. People who trust me despite being strangers and let me create memories for them in my own way.

Day 14 -

1. People who believe in me and second chances, third chances and more.
2. People who want to see me grow, not necessarily in ways I understand.
3. People who share their vision with me and allow me to be a part of them.
4. Admiration I receive for simple things as my smile and for larger ones as my perseverance.
5. Being adored by different age groups alike.

Day 15 -

1. I'm grateful for the ability to bounce back after being hurt.
2. The sensation of fear which keeps me careful.
3. The sense of occasional fearlessness that helps me take the leap of faith.
4. The faith in basic human goodness, which allows me to trust people.
5. The ability to dream, envision and the aspiration to fly one of these days.


©Anupama Garg 2015 December

Gratitude Journal Day 6 - 10

Day 6 -

1. Random strangers, who enter my life and become precious. They allow me to embrace and acknowledge love, affection, camaraderie.
2. A long weekend in sight for it will bring me the much needed relief and relaxation.
3. My artistic, mildly creative, and expressive tendencies because it gives me a reason to feel like I can create value.
4. My faith in a power above because it keeps me sane in stress.
4. My faith in a power above because it keeps me sane in stress. it, should I be tempted and later realize that it wasn't a wise decision.

Day 7 -

1. The fact that I am able to sleep so much that I even forget to thankful. The gratitude is for the gift of deep sleep.
2. The fact that there are some people junior to me who trust me enough to learn from me and allow me to teach them - reviving my passion.
3. There are people who push me away from the mediocrity I sometimes start giving in to thanks to the struggle.
4. People who won't let me give excuses to myself and would constantly encourage me as enablers to my own growth.
5. My mind that challenges me every moment and pushes me to search solutions for seemingly overwhelming problems.


Day 8 -

1. My inner conflicts, between desires and taboos. They help me grow.
2. My love for pain, makes me more sensitive for other people and also makes me strong enough to suffer it for higher goals.
3. My interest in writing, gives me one thing to truly work upon.
4. My ability to spend some money when I'm depressed.
5.I hate my inability to overcome chronic depression, but I like my strength that keeps me going and am thankful for my insights that help me identify and remove trigger conditioning.


Day 9 -

1. Being able to express myself, even if not that succinctly.It makes me feel less worked up.
2. Someone chastising me for mumbling, it helps me express myself much better than I usually would.
3. The confusion and ability to see that I am confused empowers me enough to acknowledge my shortcomings and working on them.
4. The fact that I don't have to worry about having just 100 bucks in my wallet anymore and not knowing about where to get money for paying next month's rent anymore.
5. Being able to pay off loans even if bit by bit.


Day 10 -
1.  For honest people in this world, make life so easy to deal with.
2. For liars, they help me value the honest people better.
3. The people who remember what I do, how I do it and why I do it and open up windows to the world that I deserve.
4. People who give me wings to fly through reference, recommendation, mentoring, love, affection.
5. People who kiss my foreheads and give me warm bear hugs.

©Anupama Garg 2015 December

Gratitude Journal Day 1 - 5

So, I haven't been able to write for quite some time now. Writer's block, maybe. Perhaps energy block as I usually think of it.

A few months ago, I did a 15 days gratitude exercise and tried to count my blessings. Things , people, situations I was grateful for. The idea was to have a long list of everything that made my life beautiful than it could have been. That's where I'm going to begin with.

Day 1 -

1. For being able to breathe. If I wasn't breathing, I won't have a life and then everything else would be inconsequential.
2. For my body (even though broken), if it wasn't intact, whole, healthy, I'd be either sick, or dead or forever dependent on some charity to feed me(trust me I've seen some really non-functional, under developed physical bodies and I know how humbling the knowledge was).
3. For the fortune of being able to think, to speak, to express. Or I'd be so suffocated inside.
4. For the five senses and fully developed faculties, or I could have been entrapped with so much in this world, which I would be unable to feel, to learn, to show, to express.
5. Coming across the very idea of expressing gratitude, otherwise I'd be spending this time in some more negativity and bitching of people.

Day 2 -

1. The lesson I learnt yesterday - Appreciating your blessings and ignoring what wasn't good are mutually exclusive. I had a wonderful day with a very upsetting ending. And does that mean all is not well, because the end is not well? No. It doesn't. Thank you life for giving me this insight.
2. My work, which gives me an opportunity to learn, share, work, do new things.
3. My Boss who provides me the necessary support, resources to work and learn to grow not just professionally but also personally. I have personally grown immensely in regards to my patience, my control on what I speak or how I react emotionally. In a lot of ways, it's because of the place I work at and the people I work with
4. My colleagues who support me, receive knowledge and share theirs with me. These are people who I work with and who I spend almost 10 hrs a day who constructively criticism me, who give me a chance to constructively offer them criticism.
5.People who have not worked with me, or who have quit but have been bullies, extremely judgmental, critical, hypocritical and negative towards me. I need to thank them, because they make me look good in comparison, they make me feel stronger to fight bullies. They make me value the support systems even better. They make me value even people who are neutral to me by the virtue of comparison.

Day 3 -
1. Thankful for friends who are capable of mentoring me, supporting me through my ambitions, the tough journey everyone calls life.
2. Thankful for people who have given me an opportunity to love them, share my affection with them and care for them, irrespective of whether in a personal or a professional setting.
3. Grateful for senior people who treat me like equals, and share with me what they've learnt from their experience.
4. Grateful for the opportunity to interact with people, meet so many of them not just at work or in social life but also through so many online forums and lots of other avenues. The emotions they share, the secrets they confide, the love they shower.
5. Thankful for the food and the nourishment that I receive through so many different sources, and the various people who feed me and serve me the meal so lovingly.

Day 4 -

1. People who skeptically ask me - what do you get out of wasting time on activities like this? Because they make me think about why I do whatever it is that I do.
2. My ability to think, rationalize, challenge and question my own aspirations, actions and beliefs. It helps me discard those that I find of lesser use and it helps me strive more towards the ones that help me grow.
3. The technology existent in this world that I so thoughtlessly use as if it's a given because it makes my life simpler.
4. The fact that I have had to request for help. It taught me that humility is necessary. It also taught me, that no one is ever fully self-sufficient.
5. People who helped me, because that made me believe stronger in inherent goodness, kindness and loving nature of the human soul.

Day 5 -

1. I am thankful that I have a job that pays me well and helps me sustain. Lots of people do not have one.
2. I have a family that lets me work. The feminist might claim that my right to work is mine, but then there are so many people, women, who are not let to work because of the people who live with them. I count my blessing of a loving, liberal and supportive family.
3. For the education and the teachers I received in life. My education is what has led me to my work life and my teachers are the ones responsible for imparting it. I have had SO many teachers both in and out of the system and I am grateful for each of them.
4. The upbringing that makes me sensitive to other people's needs because it helps me love and appreciate this world better.
5. The understanding of religion and spirituality that I have now slowly over the years come to and will continue to have.

©Anupama Garg 2015 December

People - Him and Trident

Counting my blessings always makes sense to me. In this post, I will not mention his name, nor any recognizable character about him.

He's a friend ! In every sense of the word. I've written another post years ago on him, a post on my old blog. And I can still find it in me to write more about him.

What matters is that the friendship has stayed. What matters is that there was this one incidence:

I had known him for a brief time through internet and through sparse phone calls. I knew he was married to his love, successful, highly qualified from the best institutes in the world, happy, someone so not my league! Or should I say I was not his league? Oh but then I wasn't really looking for an affair with him either :) In fact, the image I've selected is not even the closest when it comes to how I feel about him even today. If we could grow younger, some day this is what I know he'll be like :)

Trident and Him

It so happened that we both traveled - to Delhi and NCR. Separately. From different Cities !

How scared I was, naive as I am, someone who did not know how to go sit alone in a restaurant, didn't know that straws came packed in their covers, someone who chose the cheapest drink without alcohol on the menu (I couldn't choose preserved juices even then though :P).

I waited and waited and waited and his meetings kept on getting late and delayed. Every passing minute bugged me to no end, making me jittery, nervous and making me doubt his intention to meet me.

I had imagined a paunchy, balding man (knowing his age was what he claimed it was). And there comes a dandy, without any airs and absolutely no haughtiness :) I'm talking of a man whom I hugged while reaching his chest at the max, when I first met him, with so much trust. A man who hugged me back with uncomparable warmth.

Even today, when I am nervous, fidgety, jittery and impatient while waiting for someone, I remind myself that patience is worth a hug like that and effort is worth a friend like that. I am no longer the woman who gets nervous going anywhere to any establishment anymore. The meeting with you was the beginning of it all.

Thank you for meeting me in Trident that day !

Thank you for being who you are!


©Anupama Garg 2015 December

Do You Love me?

Do you love me ??

I'm sure literally every one has heard this question and almost everyone asks it. The tone might vary, someone may beg, someone may plead, another may demand, fight, quarrel, try to claim, possess and whatever else it may be. Directly or indirectly, the underlying question will be ALWAYS - Do you love me?

In this post, I will not do philosophy around it, nor is my intent to ask anyone if they love me. My intent is to examine whether I love the people who ask / have asked me this question?

Here's to you, the silent questioner type of people

When you ask me with those sad, distant eyes; or the chirpy ones, excited about meeting me, but not sure if you should ask me the question; I KNOW exactly what you want to ask. Do I love you?

Your quest for my love may not necessarily be sexual in nature, or it may be. You desire may be to just connect with me, or to silently hope to find love in your life VIA me.

And yes, I love you. Even if not for sexual attraction, I love you for your desire itself. I love you for you breathe, for your desire, for you're still alive. I love you for the control you can exercise while not asking that question that so lurks on your lips.

I may not love you the way you want me to, but I love you.

To you, the bold and aggressive

When you approach me like a typical alpha male, hoping to melt me in your arms; when you approach me attracted to me for my brains but eventually wanting to connect with me much more than that; when you ask me that question, looking directly into my eyes; I know what you're asking.

Do I love you? Yes, in a different manner than you love me, in a different way than you want me to love you, but the fact is that I love you too. I love you for your aggression, I love you for the go-getter energy you have, I love you for you're vocal about what you want.

And again, I may not love you the way you want me to, but I love you.

To you, the selfless 
Yes mom, every time I say 'I love you' to you, I love you. And you too dad. And you, my siblings; you who shared the same womb and got nurtured by the same blood and soul as me. You're my soulmates, in the real sense.

I may be insensitive to you, may keep our phone calls short, get irate; I may fail you and annoy you to no end, you're the ones, who never ask me if I love you.

You just believe it and I DO love you. You're right, I love you. And you guys don't have to say 'thank you munna' or 'thank you jiji'. Just say 'we love you too' and I'm as happy as I can ever be:)

I DO love you.

To you the old souls
 All of you, the fellow travelers on the road called life. I love you too. Some of you ask me this question in your friendly ways, some of you through the declaration of your love before you wait for me to respond, some of you claim my love by rejecting mine.

To every spirit in this world who's empathized with the question - Do you love me?

Yes! I do love you.

You're a part of this universe that my soul shares with yours.

And I may not love you the way you seek, but I do do do love you!

I love you!

©Anupama Garg 2015 August

The Men in My life - Dad

So this series of posts is dedicated to all the men in my life. I will mostly avoid taking names, but these are men of all sorts - men of family, kith & kin, friends, lovers, prey, predators, mentors and every other dimension that you can think of.

These are men who have moulded me, men who have shaped me, who have weakened me, who have strenthened me.

And once I am able to write about them, I will also write about their women - their mothers, sisters, wives, girlfriends, even aunts, and their reaction towards my presence in these men's lives and their presence in mine.

Let's begin with the first set of men - men in immediate family. What better man to start with except the man who brought me into this world. My father !

My father lives healthy at an age of almost 56 (I'm not a bad daughter, but I can't remember birthdays, even those of the immediate family). He's employed, functional, an academic in his own right.

A man of very few words at some times and almost verbiloquous at others, we're talking of a man of deeper and more profound thought than many other men I've seen. We're talking about a man who deeply believed in nurturing kids and human lives.

We're talking of a young father who spares 1/6th of his salary towards his children's reading and music training, a father who spends 95 % of his time outside his job with his children, a father who sets the priority right. Education followed by diet followed by clothing and shelter followed by luxury.

We're talking of a father who also has siblings without children or siblings who aren't married. A father who wants his children to not be brainwashed and yet be able to give pleasure to the extended family, children who are proud but not egoistic, children who are vocal but not loquacious.

We're talking of a father, who doesn't treat his children like property, who is able to talk about sex as openly as he is able to talk about work or music or studies. We're talking of a deeply spiritual person who is capable of questioning the dogma. We're talking of a person who has inculcated both leadership as well as follower qualities in his children, who has focused on moral science and ethics more than the focus on Business Administration or accounting or biology.

A father who says that people should study science because it gives you an approach to study and  arts because it gives you an approach to life, cannot be a common man no matter how common he is.

Of course he's a human being, of course there are planning issues (no one can plan their and their children's lives to the t), of course there are temperamental weaknesses, but we are talking of love, affection, responsibility and a VERY STRONG desire to give the children a good life.

And that should tell you why I am the kind of headstrong and yet family-oriented woman that I am !


Today when I am 31, I know this one Man has made ALL the difference !

Thank you papa!

©Anupama Garg 2015 July