Monday 30 April 2018

Day 6 - About Love - 1

Last few days, love has been on my mind a lot. I have been meeting people, lots of them. Interesting, mostly; engaging with them. However, I have realized that I have met and interacted with so many men by now that I know exactly what kind of a man I want. However, what I call my preferences or likings, people call a checklist. People suggest that I should let go of the checklists and let them go and go with the flow instead.

Every time I try letting go of the checklist, I realize that the other person isn’t good enough for me. Then, when I don’t let go of the checklist, I am not good enough.

Apparently, NOTHING EVER is good enough: D Hence, I go on bitching about pretty much everyone I claim to have loved, family, friends, lovers, even myself; I keep doubting myself. Am I never going to be enough? Am I ever going to be enough?

Is it not enough that I do not judge you or your other partners without a moral compass? Is it not enough that I am always there when you need me, even when I may be dying myself. Is it not enough that I want you to be happy and that I don’t hold you answerable for my well-being? Is it not enough that I don’t hold you responsible for my grief or sadness? Is it not enough for all of us to live and love unconditionally? What more must I do?

However, all of that said, I finally get tired of being in the victim mode and soon stepped out of it. What helped me was binge watching the series of Troy on Netflix.

I see those trying to have, those trying to love, those resisting it and then those who give in to it, even justify it, defend it and go to a war for it. I see a entire full-scale range of emotions and people like Odysseus having to choose between personal love and the larger love for humanity. I see ethics going to hell, I see ethics being lived up to and yet love surviving and dying in the same moment together.
After, all that, in the very last scene, 4 people have survived a LONG war where everyone else has been destroyed, captured, and taken. One of them, a shepherd’s girl hugs a 9 years old child, holds him in her arms and whispers… You’re alive.

In that moment, all my self-doubt has gone away. I realized that it is a blessing to love and to live. It is a blessing to be loved. It's a privilege and not something to be taken for granted. All my illusions about love had gone away and then today I have love speaking to me in silent whispers. Love shows me the glimpses into its true nature occasionally.  Here’s one of those glimpses for you.

It shall always be enough...
An act of kindness,
A smile of joy,
A tear in solidarity,
A morsel shared,
Love, my love, shall always be enough.

There are more that it chooses to reveal and I will write more. Till then, much love to you.

© Anupama 2018

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