July 2021 - Post 1 - Let's Begin

 

Disclaimer - This series of posts is for my benefit mainly, It has a very selfish motto - to reconcile my understanding of my life, to make sense of it and to honor it, or for that matter to shed it.

This month has import in life. Or maybe it doesn't. But it doesn't matter. What does matter is that people come to your life for various reasons. Relationships happen for a reason, life also happens for a reason. What is the reason tough? What is the purpose though? I do not know.

I am interacting with someone special these days. Their presence in my life is a non-judgemental, reassuring presence. They are not a close friend or family, and there is no romantic interest involved, so obviously it's even more soothing. Think of it like a very reassuring mentor-mentee relationship.

Our exchange on chat / phone call tells me that maybe I am not too far away and off from the line. It also tells me that there is a need for me to deep dive, to make sense of my journey, to make sense of all my explorations. It also reassures me that introspection and making sense of what you have done all this while in your life doesn't have to be necessarily done in a certain structure, but that it helps to have a structure.

Wasn't it structure that I sought when I explored organized religion or even certain spiritual practices? Was I not looking for structure, when I followed a so-called path to education or career? Wasn't structure my primary quest when I tried to pursue relationships, or even my journey into music, sexuality, literature, poetry, writing, or for that matter even social frameworks and interactions?

The real question for me however is - Did I ever really seek structure? Or was I conditioned into it? Was I ever interested in what the world wanted of me, or was my inner need for freedom stronger?

Sometimes I wonder what would it be like to live in someone's mind, who doesn't rebel, who is not restless, who has come to terms with their life. Sometimes I wonder what would it be like to be someone who doesn't feel the need to question much.

Would life then be easier, or would it simply make more sense to keep questioning? Is there a way to change one's core? One's samskara as one might say? Would it matter what level of Samskara you change? Would it vary on the basis of the body you have or the mental framework you might be?

In all honesty, I am simply ranting at the moment. But unless I begin ranting, I will never be able to begin discovery. So, here goes nothing!

#चेतो_दर्पण_मार्जनम्_अनुपमा - Musings Post 1- 01.07.2021