Saturday, 22 November 2014

Anupama who are you ?

So someone asked me today - who are you? What do you want? What is it that makes you - you?

And while I tried to give them the usual answers that I often do, I kept wondering, all through the process of this question - who I am exactly.

Of course, since I refuse to indulge in jargon, I wondered. Am I the child prodigy who I was? Or the loved daughter in the top left corner of this collage? A beloved sister of my brothers and an endless number of other brothers and sisters who call me didi and really mean it?

Am I this person who lives to read and write as in the bottom right or the professional in the top right or centre left from top? Am I this lost creature who sometimes just loves to stare the green or the one who travels in an auto to make sure that I can earn baubles enough to continue with the drudgery that we call life?

Am I my ambitions, my unrealized future or my realized, celebrated past? And trust me these pictures are all relatively new ones, not the typical childhood pics, not even one of them. When I glanced through just these, I had a myriad of emotions surging within me. Am I that surge?

The question has been answered to the person who asked it, but the question has risen once again within me. I lack the dedication and energy and consistent discipline to unleash  the potential within me. I'm scared of myself. I'm not sure what will happen if I find out who I am.

But I've always had this craving of finding out and may this craving continue.

Lord,
Help me find who I am.
For some claim,
I'm the Brahman,
Aham Brahmasmi.
Others claim neti - neti for you,
and then that I am a speck of who you are.
Help me find for myself,
who I am,
who I might be.
But more than anything,
help me not make a cult of it.

Amen!

© Anupama Garg