Monday 28 June 2021

महिला पुरुष पार्टनरशिप - 1

  अगली कुछ पोस्ट्स सीरीज़ में आएँगी  | ये विशेष तौर पर पुरुषों के लिए है | आपसे दो निवेदन हैं -

1. सिर्फ पढ़ें | रिएक्ट करने कुछ दिन बाद आयें | मेरा यकीन मानिये बहुत सम्भावना है कि आपका आज का रिएक्शन और चार दिन बाद का रिएक्शन बहुत अलग अलग हो |
2. ध्यान रखें कि ये पोस्ट आपको किसी भी चीज़ के लिए कन्विंस करने के उद्देश्य से नहीं लिखी गयी है | आप इस में लिखी किसी भी बात से सहमति रखें या नहीं आप इसके लिए स्वतंत्र हैं | लेकिन बदले में ये भी ध्यान रखें कि  महिलाओं को कन्विंस करने की कोशिश मेरी वाल पर न करें | मेरे यहाँ ईमानदारी और खुद के जिए हुए यथार्थ के अलावा बात करने वाली सवारी अपने सामान की खुद ज़िम्मेदार होती है !

मुझे ये कहना है कि मैं बहुत थक गयी हूँ | हम में से अधिकतर बहुत थक गयी हैं | हम इस बात से थकी हुयी हैं, कि जब हम आप लोगों को 'न' कहती  हैं,तो आपको लगता है ये आपका मौका है हमसे मोल-भाव, निगोशिएट करने का | हम कहती हैं, हमें hookup नहीं करना, आप ' न' का सम्मान नहीं करते बल्कि हमें convince करने लगते हैं कि hookup में कुछ बुरा नहीं | अब इसे देखिये एक बार - hookup  में कुछ बुरा नहीं, ठीक है | लेकिन एक आप ये मान लेते हैं कि हमें ये पता नहीं | दूसरा आप ये मान लेते हैं, कि हमें जो पता नहीं, वो बताने की, वो सिखाने की ज़िम्मेदारी आपकी  है | तीसरा आप ये मान लेते हैं कि अगर हमें ये पता है तो हमें इसे स्वीकार कर के इसपे एक्शन लेना चाहिए | इन तीनों धारणाओं को बनाते समय, आप हमसे नहीं पूछते कुछ भी  | ऐसे में ये धारणाएँ काल्पनिक हो जाती हैं, वास्तविक नहीं | अब इसमें ये भी जोड़ लीजिये कि औरतों  को अमूमन रेप से, एसिड अटैक से, स्टॉकिंग से, दबाव से, भी जूझना  पड़ता है | ऐसे में, आपकी ये काल्पनिक धारणाएँ हमारी लड़ाई में हमें आज़ादी नहीं देतीं बल्कि हमारी लड़ाइयाँ बढ़ा देती हैं | हमारे लिए एक और मोर्चा खुल जाता है जूझने के लिए | हम थकती हैं ये सोच के कि सिर्फ इसलिए कि आप को हमने दोस्त माना, या कि हम सोशल मीडिया पे हैं, या कि हम आपसे ऑफिस में, कॉलेज में, किसी पार्टी पे मिलीं, आप को लगता है कि आपकी हमारे बारे में धारणाएं सच हैं | हम थकती हैं, अपनी एजेंसी हासिल करने के लिए, जो अपने अपनी धारणाओं के चलते हमसे छीन ली | हम थकती हैं ये सोच के कि हम आप पर भरोसा नहीं कर सकतीं |

मुझे ये मालूम है कि आप लोगों की ज़िन्दगी में भी बहुत दबाव हैं | मेरे लिए ये बातें ज़्यादा दबाव, कम दबाव के बारे में नहीं हैं | लेकिन हम पीढ़ियों से थकती आ रही हैं | और मैं इन पोस्ट्स में आपसे सिर्फ तीन चीज़ें पूछना चाहती हूँ -

1. क्या आप  पोस्ट से सहमति या असहमति जताये बिना, हम औरतों के लिए ये स्पेस बना सकते हैं, कि हमें आपसे बार बार नहीं कहने की ज़रुरत न पड़े | एक बार काफी हो?
2. क्या आप बिलकुल भी ग्लानि या गुस्सा महसूस किये बिना, अपने खुद के, अपने परिवार के और पुरुषों के, अपने मित्रों के व्यवहार में ऐसी हरकतों को नोटिस करने (और अगर आपकी हिम्मत हो तो उन्हें call out ) करने की कोशिश कर सकते हैं?
3. क्या आप ये कोशिश कर सकते हैं कि आप हमें ये बता कर कि ब्लॉक कर दो, इग्नोर कर दो, हमारी सुरक्षा का ज़िम्मा भी हम ही पर डाल कर हमारी थकन और न बढ़ाएं?


क्या आप हमारी पीढ़ियों की थकान कम करने में हमारे पार्टनर्स बन सकते हैं ?

 - Anupama Garg 28.06.2021

Thursday 24 June 2021

A thousand shades of Fatherhood

So, Father's day just went by, and here is a sort of an introduction from another of my books which is in pipeline. Hope you enjoy it!

_______________
 
Mishti fervently typed away!

The deadline for her book was yesterday. "Everything in my life needs to have been done yesterday, so it's OK", she defended herself and rolled her eyes. How does one write about one's parents?

How does one write about one's mother, or even one's father? Does one glamorize the role they played? Does one complain and whine about their shortcomings? Does one look at them objectively, as one attempts to do with oneself?

"Afterall doesn't it take a village to raise a child?" So then why should fatherhood be limited to just one man? Why should not one celebrate, or critically evaluate even, all father figures in one's life?

Why should not be grateful for the firm discipline a mother instills, or the maternal love that the father shows?

Why should not one celebrate the teacher who dropped you home when you were being stalked by a guy and landed at his place nervously?

Why would one not talk about the lover who walked out on you, because you had daddy issues? And another who simply embraced them? And those, who one doesn't have a relationship with, but wishes silently, that they be the man you might want to raise children with?

How does one celebrate the paternal, but non-patronizing male friends who would comfort and provide solace in bleak moments of desperate loneliness, despite being misjudged as a boyfriend for that?

Oh, and how does one accept, even embrace... the mentors, bosses, colleagues who are misogynistic and patronizing, simply because they assume familial familiarity at the workplace? Also, those who are genuinely empowering and show it through their actions, how does one celebrate them?


 
Mishti's thoughts wandered to the complexities of fatherhood for gay couples, for polyamorous households, for single fathers, for single women who acted both as mothers AND as fathers for their children.

A deep breath! A sigh!

"Didi, bahut raat ho rahi hai khana kha lo ab!" Shankar Bhaiya said, his voice reflecting only the slightest of impatience.

Mishti lifted her head up and wondered what would her life be like without Shankar Bhaiya. The life of a workaholic, insomniac, trigger happy, thriving single woman who worked odd hours, travel at a whim, and was barely bothered about food or sleep simply because she enjoyed the rest of her life too often!

She remembered, how half her acquaintances were concerned about her safety when she hired Shankar Bhaiya. But Mishti trusted her gut. And Shankar Bhaiya earned her trust over 10 long years. If shit is supposed to still hit the roof, it will, what is there for me to do.

What about the fatherhood of Shankar Bhaiya which extended to Mishti, even beyond his own family?

"Bas, do minute Shankar Bhaiya!", Mishti responded with a smile, finished her draft, hit the enter key to send it to her editor. As she walked to the dining table, she got on to a group video call with her family and close friends. It was time to celebrate Father's day, away from her family after all. It was time to celebrate a thousand shades of fatherhood!

#Fathers_day

Disclaimer - Image source - Internet. Not being used for commercial purposes. 
 
 

© Anupama 2021  (24.06.2021)

Thursday 10 June 2021

A leaf from my experiments journal...

I was a part of online communities for long before I first became a member of a community offline. This community was connected to each other because of their sexual preferences, and it was a new thing to me. A new concept. Some of them were queer, others in open relationships, and there were others who experienced with pain and pleasure. That said, I was intrigued, as always - by the concepts. More importantly by the importance of consent.

However, 10 years later, I can tell you that people can manipulate consent. And you have to live with the consequences. I can tell you that the thought of consequences was the one thing that I did not consent to most things unless I wanted to.
 
Know, that things are layered, relationships nuanced, interactions multi-dimensional. What you might be consenting to, isn't necessarily the same in theory, as when it happens to you, or when you do it to someone. And sometimes it will be a one-way street because it will either bring you in touch with a hidden aspect of your core, or because it will simply alter you. Thankfully I have never had to deal with anything that would cause irreversible legal ramifications, but that can happen too, if you are not sorted.
 
The lessons though, are not something you will forget. Ever. Here's one from my playbook:
 
I learnt that when people try to convince you too hard, it's never to your advantage. No matter who the people are. The real well-wishers will have one solid, decent, lengthy discussion. They will not throw parties to lure you, nor gift you conditional friendship. They will establish healthy boundaries, and not intrude unless you invite them to. 
 
So the next time, someone tells you that you MUST have sex in order to know who you really are, you don't have to dis/agree right there. Give it some time, see if they are being pushy.
 
The next time, someone tells you it's OK to drink and party, when you don't want to, err on the side of caution.
 
The next time, someone tells you that your autonomy on your body can ONLY be expressed through sex, ask them how different are they from those pushing you for virginity. Check their responses out.
The next time, ANYONE tells you to do ANYTHING and cannot show you a direction or clearly answer your questions about WHY, you PAUSE.
 
You may still do it, or not do it, but don't make a decision under manipulation. Also remember, one kind of conditioning isn't better than another. So, choose the one you feel comfortable with, that you want to live with, that you want to experiment with.
 
- Anupama 10.6.2021

Wednesday 9 June 2021

From Kavi/yitri-priya to privileged poet/esses

 

Presume not, O Poet!
For the curve of my lips, may not be an invitation,
Instead it might be simply sarcasm.
 
Presume not, O Man!
For my curves might not be intended to bear your child,
but simply as extra padding to the heat and the cold.
 
Dare not presume, you naive idjit,
For you do not know what child-birth, or even periods mean,
and you never will, so pray, don't be bold.
 
Stop glorifying my sex, just like you can stop condemning it.
Stop trying to turn every conversation about me,
into a simple session of mansplaining for your convenience.
You see, my mind isn't designed to be at your service.
It's instead designed to decide for myself. 
 
Stop assuming my consent,
for you imbecile,
A no isn't an invitation to negotiate.
A no isn't a maybe,
and since you cannot understand this,
go back to the play school, and learn the word again!
A no is a no is a no!
 
You maybe a great poet/ess,
You may assume and stare,
You may seek attention,
When critiqued, you may cry unfair,
But let me ask you this,
Do I really care?
 
So next time,
keep mum if you don't know what to say.
It might save you some face,
and not put your bigotry on display.
 
Anupama - 09.06.2021