Sunday, 29 April 2018

30 Days Writing Challenge - Day 5 - About Disappointment

Let's talk of disappointment today. Some months ago, a few friends disappointed me a lot. I remember how clearly, were they operating from their selfish desires and their momentary lapses of sanity. I do not think they are bad, malicious people by nature. If they were, probably I wouldn’t be disappointed in them. I was disappointed because I expected better from these men, rather than what they gave me.

I expected that a friendship of 7 years, would stay a friendship despite all misgivings as well as financial transactions. I expected that professional people owned their work ethics, at least at the basic level of safety of people at workplaces. I expected that a friendship that had withstood ups and downs for 9 years, would mean enough for a married friend to not push his agenda on me. The fact is that I am disappointed in a majority of the male of my species.

The question I am trying to probe here is not why I feel disappointed. It is clear that I am disappointed in these people because I had expectations in the first place. Some of the other friends, mentors that I ran this past told me that some examples didn’t have to make me feel disappointed in more than 50 % of the human population. They also told me, there was no need to stereotype men in general. However, that said, the disappointment didn’t go away.

I tried to rationalize. I tried to list the reasons of my disappointment; reasons beyond my expectations. I tried to find reasons to blame these incidents on. I didn’t want to accept that ex-boyfriends could be stupid, friends could be selfish, seasoned colleagues irresponsible and spineless. I didn’t want to have to forgive, so I looked for reasons.

That is when I realized that I was not longer just disappointed, but even resentful. It is when I realized that my disappointment was morphing into something more than just that; something unpleasant, something that was no longer helpless but more sadness. I was hurt, I was sad, I was angry and I was resentful.

Once this was done, I needed to find out how to get over it. I knew my way out was not the sanctimonious forgiveness but the plain, simple hope. I needed to hope again, I needed to expect and look forward to these people and others. I needed to finetune my filters. I needed to remind myself that it’s OK to expect and it’s also OK to not have the expectation fulfilled. It’s IMPORTANT however, to hope that people are not malicious by choice and out there to get at you. Instead, people have their stupid moments and it’s OK.

It’s only human to fail. It was after I disappointed a few people without misleading them and without a malicious intent, that I realized that it’s OK to be disappointed. It’s OK to be hurt, it’s OK to be even upset, just not resentful.As long as there's the ability to hope.

And much abrupt an ending as it sounds, the fact is I am trying to write this post for almost a week now and I may keep trying it till the end, and yet not reach anywhere. So, as disappointing as it is to you and to myself, as you read and I write this broken chain of thoughts, I am going to send it live today at any cost.
Much Love.

© Anupama 2018